~ Finding my Own Path~

When it comes to the oldest religions in the world, it is easy to see why there would be controversy regarding this matter. In this article, you will learn some of the characteristics associated with ancient belief systems.

Hinduism

Many experts agree that the oldest organized religion in the world is Hinduism, which dates back to 1,500 BCE. The sacred texts of Hinduism (the Vedas) were written at this time and serve as a historical marker for the religion. Interestingly, Hinduism is a religion that has no known creator. The basis of the belief system is comprised of various cultures and myths. There are many different texts associated with Hinduism, which allow adherents to study philosophy, mythology, theology, as well as learn how to follow the practice of dharma – also known as religious living. Today, Hinduism is the largest religion in the world.

Judaism

Another religion that has roots dating back thousands of years ago is Judaism. Born around 1800 BCE, Abraham is recognized as the founder of Judaism. When tracing the origin and history of the religion, the Torah plays an important role. For many, the start of Judaism is often marked by the existence of the Torah.

The Torah (also known as the Five Books of Moses) represents the text surrounding the founding legal and ethical beliefs of Judaism. The Torah is the first of three parts of the Tanakh, which is the Hebrew Bible. The books are separated into five different sections with names written in English: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. The first individual to put the Torah in writing was Moses, who did so about 1400 BCE.

Paganism

Not all religions or forms of worship are organized. Many feel that Paganism is the oldest belief system in the world. It is from Paganism that Wicca and other extensions of earth-related worship get their start. The concept of Mother Earth as a goddess is one that was embraced as far back as 30,000 years ago during Paleolithic times. The modern version of paganism is linked to Celtic religious beliefs that date back to around 1000 BCE.

Common Misconception

Across the world, Islam and Christianity currently have the most adherents, but they are actually among the newest forms of worship. Islam dates back to 610 CE with Abraham serving as the oldest prophet of the religion. Adherents of Islam believe that their religion is the complete and universal version of a prehistoric belief system that has been revealed many different times and at various places, involving religious figures, such as Moses, Abraham, and Jesus.

Christianity has roots that trace back to about 30 CE. The religion is based on the life and word of Jesus of Nazareth. Gospels and other writings, such as the Bible, play an important role in the religion. Those who follow and practice the faith are referred to as Christians. They typically belong to various churches, such as the three largest organizations in the world: the Roman Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox churches, and churches of Protestantism.

So, now that we got all of that straight...

I am really over and done with everyone all of their crap. LOL. The reason for all of the above is because it is FACT. I love how most people go around spouting off at the mouth to others, trying to tell them what to believe, how to believe, that if you don't go to church your going to hell, if you don't wear a white sheet and dunk in some water, you won't go to heaven. Oh, if you don't get married between these four walls and keep the entire ceremony all top secret and tell everyone it's all sacred then your not really committed to each other, and by the way, your not even really married. My religion is the true religion. Your religion isn't even real. You don't believe in God, you worship statues. Ugh....Get over yourselves people.

I really don't worry about what anyone else believes in their heart. Whatever works for you, well, great. If you believe that this white guy with light brown hair and blue eyes from the middle east, ( bwhahahahahahaha, sorry, but REALLY?, is he albino?) is hanging out in the sky on fluffy white clouds watching your every move with a pencil and paper, and is gonna catch ya at these golden gates like a hall monitor to say, your in, your out, your cool, you suck...whatever. I don't care. If you believe in Karma, do as to others...I get it. If you believe in aliens, or your Jewish, or Hindu, or whatever you are, then you believe. My issue is when you believe, and feel like you must force that on to others. That's where you are WRONG.

Beliefs are for the individual. It is a choice for everyone to make for themselves. No one has the right to tell anyone how to believe. It is not for you to say that I must feel the same way as you do. Nor is it right for you to condemn me for not sharing in your beliefs. It would be like me telling you I love the color red, and you saying you love the color purple. Suddenly, I shout, "your going to hell!" How ridiculous, right? Now, your sitting there thinking, "comparing taste in color is not even close to religious choice". Yes, it is. It is a choice. It is something that is personal. It is a liking, it is something that is pleasing, something that makes you happy. I can't even say to this very day what it is that I truly believe. I have questions. Many questions. Most churches and religions won't even allow you to do that. It is unheard of, frowned upon, you are banished. In my upbringing, I was sent to Catholic services. I would have been accused of blasphemy had I  raised the questions that I do today. As an adult, I see nothing wrong with asking questions. It is how you learn, evolve, resolve issues, develop into a confident human being, strong in your convictions. There are many things that I am curious about, and read up on. As I do so, I find, there are many religions that I am quite offended by. I don't think that some are aware of the real beliefs that are in the churches they attend. Most are quite hypocritical, judgmental, unforgiving. I cannot be a part of that. I refuse to be blind to such things. As an adult, I can stand and say, "No, I don't agree." I can stand and say, "No, I don't agree that God would not be able to remain jealous, a petty emotion, that even us simple humans are able to overcome." This very sentence has gotten me into furious arguments with family members and close friends. It is MY belief, but because it is not their belief, I was told I was wrong. Um, what? I find that hysterical. My belief is wrong, yet their belief is true and correct? Like I said, hypocritical...

Recent events have made religion a center topic in our household. It is true that when you come of age, and in certain religions, make a choice to make a break from that church, ultimately commit social suicide. You find that even the closest of family will suddenly say you are "lost". You cannot be saved. They will turn on you, they will make all sorts of accusations, and resort to furious anger. All in the name of God? Baffling. If this is what Gods love is, I want no such part.

I leave with the ever brilliant quote brought to my attention by my ever brilliant Aunt, whom I count my blessings for every single day. Unconditional love and support should come to us all in the example of her wisdom and constant light.

~if love is not enough then god doesn't understand the concept, much less could he have invented it~
Well then, maybe he didn't. Maybe it was someone much, much smarter...yeah..I'm gonna go with that...

When it comes to the oldest religions in the world, it is easy to see why there would be controversy regarding this matter. In this article, you will learn some of the characteristics associated with ancient belief systems.

Hinduism

Many experts agree that the oldest organized religion in the world is Hinduism, which dates back to 1,500 BCE. The sacred texts of Hinduism (the Vedas) were written at this time and serve as a historical marker for the religion. Interestingly, Hinduism is a religion that has no known creator. The basis of the belief system is comprised of various cultures and myths. There are many different texts associated with Hinduism, which allow adherents to study philosophy, mythology, theology, as well as learn how to follow the practice of dharma – also known as religious living. Today, Hinduism is the largest religion in the world.

Judaism

Another religion that has roots dating back thousands of years ago is Judaism. Born around 1800 BCE, Abraham is recognized as the founder of Judaism. When tracing the origin and history of the religion, the Torah plays an important role. For many, the start of Judaism is often marked by the existence of the Torah.

The Torah (also known as the Five Books of Moses) represents the text surrounding the founding legal and ethical beliefs of Judaism. The Torah is the first of three parts of the Tanakh, which is the Hebrew Bible. The books are separated into five different sections with names written in English: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. The first individual to put the Torah in writing was Moses, who did so about 1400 BCE.

Paganism

Not all religions or forms of worship are organized. Many feel that Paganism is the oldest belief system in the world. It is from Paganism that Wicca and other extensions of earth-related worship get their start. The concept of Mother Earth as a goddess is one that was embraced as far back as 30,000 years ago during Paleolithic times. The modern version of paganism is linked to Celtic religious beliefs that date back to around 1000 BCE.

Common Misconception

Across the world, Islam and Christianity currently have the most adherents, but they are actually among the newest forms of worship. Islam dates back to 610 CE with Abraham serving as the oldest prophet of the religion. Adherents of Islam believe that their religion is the complete and universal version of a prehistoric belief system that has been revealed many different times and at various places, involving religious figures, such as Moses, Abraham, and Jesus.

Christianity has roots that trace back to about 30 CE. The religion is based on the life and word of Jesus of Nazareth. Gospels and other writings, such as the Bible, play an important role in the religion. Those who follow and practice the faith are referred to as Christians. They typically belong to various churches, such as the three largest organizations in the world: the Roman Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox churches, and churches of Protestantism.



In 58 BCE the Roman Empire would march through the lands of Gaul removing Druidic chiefs and dismantling the tribal cultures and religions that had practiced there for thousands of years prior.  The practice of Druidic Shamanism would fall into obscurity until recently when it would make a major revival.  And now in 2010 the religion that has outlasted kings, empires, and entire civilizations has officially and for the first time been recognized nationally in its homeland as an official religion.  The move is as historically significant to the rest of the world as it is to the druids themselves.

Druids will now be able to receive federal funding as well as tax exempt status as an official religion.  Additionally they will be able to exercise their rights more effectively as a religion, no longer having to fear whether or not they are going to be recognized in a court of law for civil matters.

In the official documentation set up by the Charity commission, Druids worship nature and believe various aspects of it such as trees, rivers, and mountains have spirits.  In recent years the number of Druids in the UK has swelled, and now boast more than 10,000 practicing members with even more private or hermetic practitioners.  The popularity of the religion is said to be partially due to the increased interest in nature as well as an increased awareness in issues of the environment.  Because they worship various representations in nature the environment is revered more in druidic practices than in almost any other officially recognized religion.

But the druidic religion, according to some members, has changed quite a bit since it was first practiced thousands of years ago.  At its inception, druids would revere mountains, trees, and rivers partially because they truly were  insurmountable forces of nature that the druids were bound to live among.  Today's druidic tradition attempts to recapture these older ways while still living alongside a new society filled with roads, planes, solid houses, and cities.  In fact, the druidic tradition of today is in many ways quite different.  But when Austria hired several druids to remove curses on motorways to reduce traffic collisions, they actually had a great deal of success and noted a decrease in driver collisions suggesting the religion does still seem to wield some level of power.  And if not magically, then certainly it has conjured up a great deal of political power.

So what lies in store for the future?  With the increased interest in religious practices such as druidism, there will no doubt be a push for official status among other religions once considered alternative to be recognized within the mainstream officially.

And the wait has certainly been long enough.  With about one in 6,000 UK citizens a practicing druid, the organization is expecting to find more members in the coming year thanks to the official status.  And who's to say what may come next after that?

Maybe someone can help me...

I was getting my five year old ready for school. He loved his school, because he got to go all day long. Most kindergarten classes are only half day, but Daryal was fortunate that he went to an all day class, which put him at an advantage once he reached first grade. Also, he adored his teacher, who just happened to be a dwarf. This is just brilliant for small kids, because they can relate so much better to someone who is their size. They loved her, and trusted her. He eagerly awaited school everyday. I only lived about 2 blocks from the school, and most of the time, we would walk. Today, however, I was going to drive. I am not sure why, I can't remember. Circumstances, however, led to the following.

My phone rang. Way too early for a phone call. I answered, and it was the devil. We were separated at this point, and as far as I knew, he was living with his mother. This man never got up before noon, so again, not the norm. He wanted to know if I had taken Daryal to school yet. Why? "uh, no, I am leaving now". This was bizzare. Something happened that delayed me another minute or two, most likely, it was getting all of the kids in the car, since I had 3 under the age of 5. LOL. So, I drive off, around the corner, pull into the parking lot, and oh...whats that? That oddly looks like our old Monte Carlo. Wow. Looks just like it. How weird. He told me that car had gotten repossessed. It was gone one day when we woke up. He didn't seem overly upset either. Who the hell is driving? Oh. It's him. Who is in the car with him? A small girl. She goes to this school. Why is he dropping off a small girl at this school? The look of shock on his face as I pulled next to him and rolled down the window was priceless. He immediately screamed at me, as he always did. "I thought you said you were on your fucking way 10 minutes ago!" Oh, don't change the subject. "Who is the little girl?"
"mind your fucking business...
and he drove off.

Ah, such a gentleman. The little girl is Markeydaa Brandon. She is the daughter of Donna Brandon, who it turned out, had been having an affair with him for the last year of our marriage. Also, she had our Monte Carlo. He gave it to her. Told me it had been repossessed, then gave it to her. She wound up being around for about 6 years. Then he so graciously moved on to his 1st cousin, Missy. Yes, you read that right. There are a ton of other stories...but let's move on.

Anyway, this "Donna", won't go away. I am bothered for so many reasons. One, she has her own children, but is beyond obsessed with mine. She continues to call my kids to this very day, and tells people they are her kids. She posts over and over on my daughters Facebook, and talks to her like they are just bonded for life, and she is just soooo important to the very existence of her. Then, she is still writing to my brother Frank, my sister in law Zina, and now, this shit....

Donna Marie Scherer

Hi Papa! Marrkeydaa, Tyrone and I have missed you! Have a Blessed New Year. I will try and get all the kids together and come take you out for lunch, soon. We love you. 

Um, yeah, that's to my Dad, on his Facebook. Um, what the fuck? Sorry, but at what point do you move on? First of all, let me tell you, my family is dysfunctional, and screwed up enough. It was bad enough that my parents let this thing in their house in the first place, knowing what took place, knowing everything. To say that my MOTHER of all people should have understood how it felt for me, is an understatement. This woman has her own kids, but just goes on and on about mine. Hers, meanwhile, have issues, and problems, and she doesn't try to be a parent to them. No...she gets high with them. Daughter has 3 kids with 3 different dads. I feel for that girl. She needs her Mother. What the hell????



So, in a previous post, you now know what I was talking about. This is one of the people who just can't leave my kids alone. Move the fuck on! I am sorry, but really. Enough is enough. The truth of all of the crap that she did with that man to me is surfacing, and eventually, she will have to face her demons. You can't just spew lies and garbage and make stuff up forever. You can't partake in evil ways, and expect to not have to pay for them at some point. Why on earth would she be writing to my Father? My Mother passed away. Those days of conspiring to destroy and hurt me are over. My dad has moved on. Has a new woman. She doesn't give a rat's ass about you or buying any presents, and unless you are providing a steady income to said ex husband of mine, he doesn't have any use for your tired ass either. TRUTH. Sting? Try years of having your life screwed with by an ex prostitute and a crooked wanna be cop.

So, people, now that the rant is over....I know you will say, let it go. I do. At some point. But then crap like this pops up, or one of my kids has an achievement and these idiots come out of the woodwork wanting credit and spotlight. I don't understand why they all can't just move on with their lives and leave us alone. You know what? I really am the only one who LEFT that idiot. I really am the only one who got out, and doesn't want a single fucking thing to do with him. Not my parents, or my brother and his wife, or any of his ex what ever they are. But I did. Maybe that's why they all hate me. I got out of the well.

Out with the old...

So, it's the end of 2010, and now we enter 2011 with high hopes, and anticipation for a new beginning. It's amazing how everyone looks towards this one day. How the simple setting and rising of the sun within a 24 hour period can give the world so much hope, so much promise. Why only on one day?

For many of my friends, it has been a really rough year. Too many up's and down's to mention. I don't know exactly why karma has decided to give us all a good kick in the gut like she has, but we have all weathered the storm, and held strong. Some of us have had a few more storms than others, but still, we are here. This definitely could be called the "year of lessons". For Carl and I, it has been the year of  "True Colors", or finding out the people who really care, and those who are full of shit. No other way to put it really. So many who were in our life just really didn't deserve the spot they had. Sometimes, you just have to make some changes, and we did. Hard decisions come with the realization that when the shit hits the fan, who really is going to be there for you? It was a rude awakening for my handsome man, and it was horrible watching him go through it all. A small experiment was conducted. He posted a small comment one day...just to see what reaction he would get from family and friends. After a few hours, he posted it again. Then the next day, again. Only 3 people responded. Two, were my long time friends. One, a friend we have mutually. That's it. Was awful. Gut wrenching. Family hadn't even made one small effort to even say one word. Sometimes, silence hurts more than anything.

So, like I have said, we are moving forward into this year with hopeful hearts, and eyes wide open. We know what lies ahead for our future, and we know who really matters most. Those who support and love us for all that we are, will know that we return the love and support they share. Those that don't, probably won't hear from us anymore. Time can be short, and there is no reason to waste it. People go around saying that you are "supposed to love family" or that you "have to do this" or "have to do that". Um, no, we don't. We only have to do what we want. This is our life. Everyone should live their life as they choose. Don't live to make others happy. That is their own responsibility. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Why take chances? So, this is me standing on the island, with my finger waving proudly in the air...to all of you who have talked behind our back. To those who don't agree with our wedding plans. To those who don't agree with how we live. To those who don't agree with the fact that we don't practice any religion. To those who think you are better than us. To those who thought we wouldn't last because you don't know a damn thing about either of us...but walk around like you know it all....guess what? Finger in your face. :-) 2011 is the year that Mr. and Mrs. Danielson will be married, and moving on. Peace out. <3

Old Woman, Wise Woman, Powerful Woman: The Beauty of Aging

 One day, surfing across the web in no particularly linear or rational way (I guess that's what surfing is), I came across this quote from Rush Limbaugh: "Will this country want to actually watch a woman get older before their eyes on a daily basis?"
He said that in 2008, referring to Hillary Clinton. With a masterful stroke of the mouth, he attempted to disempower this woman by using one of the patriarchy's greatest weapons, the deeply held belief that age makes women ugly, worthless and powerless.
I remember hearing it then, and it made my blood boil. When I saw it again, I wondered about it. About Rush. About men. About women. About being a woman and growing old. About why watching a woman grow old scares the hell out of people. His statement is still a powerful window into how women who are growing older are perceived in our culture.
I am reminded of my mother as she grew frail towards her death. She showed such dignity. Even when she could hardly stand up, she wanted her hair combed, her lipstick on. She didn't want anyone, including her children, to see her use the commode. She walked towards her death with grace.
I thought of Robbie Kaye and the amazing work she is doing with women and aging at Beauty of Wisdom. Robbie takes photographs of women getting their hair done -- beautiful, proud women.
I wonder about how Rush felt watching his mother grow old, how he feels watching the women in his life that he loves growing older. How do we feel when we fear the crone out there, and in here, while we are in relationship with our mothers, grandmothers, aunts, great-aunts and wise old women friends? While we are in relationship with ourselves and our own aging bodies?
And (this is a big "and") somewhere a part of me is fully capable of saying something just as hurtful. If I push that away in him, I push it away in myself. I've grown up ingesting this patriarchal pabulum every day of my life. I've adopted the fears and beliefs and admonitions of a culture steeped in ageism, sexism, racism and any other "ism" that has been the foundation of this patriarchal thought-structure. It takes a deepening awareness and an opening consciousness to begin to see what I project onto others, how I push others away, how I say stupid things because of my own conditioning.
The structure of patriarchy is insidious. It causes men to oppress all women, because, as Allan G. Johnson points out in "Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy," it is "linked to a cultural devaluing of femaleness itself." It causes men to oppress even the women in their own lives that they dearly love, for you can't uphold a structure of beliefs, acting within that structure everyday, and somehow not inflict that pain on some women and not others.
Johnson writes:

One of the deepest reasons for denying the reality of women's oppression is that we don't want to admit that a real basis for conflict exists between men and women. We don't want to admit it because, unlike other groups involved in social oppression, such as white and blacks, female and males really need each other, if only as parents and children. [Emphasis mine]

Think about it: men and women are inextricably linked. We can't not engage with each other. If we were no longer engaged, life wouldn't continue. That's what makes it so hard to look at patriarchy and the oppression of the feminine. And yet, we need the reemergence of the feminine to heal ourselves and to heal the earth. We need the nurturing, nourishing, wise and instinctual, wildly creative and fiercely unconditionally loving feminine to heal ourselves from our ways of destruction and domination. We need this reemergence in women, and we need it in men. We need to find balance within ourselves, the balance between the masculine and feminine.
The old woman was once revered, when people revered the Great Mother, when they saw the beauty of birth, death and rebirth, the power of transformation. Now, we sit around and pretend we don't get old and don't die. We feel the shift happening, and we dig our heels in and pretend we can't be touched.
As I've aged, I've felt invisibility creep in. The older I get, the more invisible I become, in a culture where youth and external beauty reign. All the while, I've become more beautiful to myself, because I am embracing and honoring the wisdom that my life experiences have brought, and the kindness, compassion and tenderness that grief and loss have engendered. It takes a certain amount of awareness and effort to keep coming back to what is real, what is true. It isn't easy at all. Yet, there comes a time when no other way is palatable. I can feel the energy of the crone. I feel her power. I feel her fierce love.
It's not that I don't have moments of grief and sadness around aging. Some of those moments come when I get caught up in the never-ending bombardment of the advertising blitz. I notice my body growing a little stiffer, I am aware of the years passing, and I know death is always a breath away. But so is life. Life is always a breath away.

Women's power in the patriarchy is youth, physical beauty, a sexy, toned body, the ability to become more like a man than a woman, so how we act and what we do will move us up the ladder of what this culture deems is successful.
But in an entirely different way, we women are powerful beings, especially as we age. Not powerful in the patriarchal paradigm, but powerful in the sense that we are more authentic, more real, more truthful and more beautiful. And powerful as the crone, the wise woman, the woman who embodies crone energy. The crone is the woman who no longer sees herself only in relation to others, but as a woman unto herself, a woman who stands alone in the center of her own beingness, in the center of her own truth, and from this center relates to the people in her life from what is real for her.
The patriarchy fears the crone. She is truthful, she is powerfully creative, she is intuitive and instinctual, and she loves fiercely. The patriarchy does everything it can to deny this, even to denigrate this and the women who embody it, because old women are wise women are powerful women. They have gifts to share, gifts that this world desperately needs.

What if we could be with ourselves in such a way that we no longer projected our deepest fears onto an entire portion of the earth's population, a group of people that has gifts to share with the world right now, gifts of wisdom, grace and beauty?
What if we could be with ourselves in such a way that we no longer projected our deepest fears onto each other, woman to man, man to woman?
Being with ourselves is the first step.
Being with the misogynistic and misandrist thoughts that ramble around our own minds and consciousness, and questioning whether they are true, whether we know them to be 100-percent fact.
Being with our hardened hearts, with the walls we've built around them that allow us to engage in such a way where we are just as complicit in this fear and rejection of the wise old woman, and wondering if our hearts really feel this way.
Being with ourselves, with the feelings we don't want to feel, the feelings we numb ourselves to, day in and day out.
Being with.
Being with the beginning of something, a beginning of a world where we honor and respect each other as men and women.
As Kate Chopin reminds us, "the beginning of things, of a world especially, is necessarily vague, tangled, chaotic, and exceedingly disturbing."
A world where patriarchy is a distant memory begins with the chaotic, the vague, with the tangled mess of people willing to engage differently, even when we don't yet know how to do it or what it might look like.

It may feel exceedingly disturbing, but then don't the happenings in our world right now disturb you greatly?

Julie Daley

Certified coach, teacher and writer; creator, Unabashedly Female

Posted: December 21, 2010 09:03 AM

It's raining

...in more ways than one.

How peculiar. It has been pouring for days now, outside, and for months now inside my brain. This overwhelming feeling of anxiety and worry has begun to consume me. Not to say that I have not been happy, or excited, because there have been wonderful moments as well. There has just been this lurking, nagging thing back there...waiting. I don't know what it is, but its there, and it is quietly falling now, just like the rain is at this very moment.

Sometimes, I have these thoughts, and these fears, that things are going to change, and that something isn't quite right, and I hate when I get like that. Someone will tell me to knock it off, or say not to be paranoid. I often feel like maybe I have something inside of me, like another sense, or ability to tell when change is coming. I have had dreams that have made me sit up in the middle of the night, and I feel a sense of worry. I will not understand it at that moment, but later, the familiar sense of, "oh, that's what it meant" kicks in. I try to talk myself out of certain worries, because I know I can cause unnecessary panic, or stress, but the cloud just doesn't leave until the rain falls, because the weight of it is just too heavy.

I really think that this year, is a year of drastic change. It seems that the previous months and constant problems are all just leading into this big set up for a good cleansing. Some things, and people for that matter, just really needed to go away. It was all feeling fake, false, pretending to be something that just wasn't. I couldn't do it anymore. Trying to please everyone was just a pain in the ass. No one was going around trying to return the favor. I have always had this feeling that being selfish was such a horrible trait, yet it seems to work remarkably well for so many. Just seems like less work.

Bottom line, I have tried really hard to be a good person, and to do the right thing. People have really, and truly let me down lately, and been so damn hurtful and cruel, and it has resulted in me having almost uncontrollable anger and resentment, and I really don't care to be that kind of person. I am pissed off entirely too much because I am sick of everyone's bullshit. I really just need to learn to not care, just as they do. It can't be that hard, since so many are so good at it. Gonna give it a shot.

In the grand scheme of it all...Betty is calling our name.

It really is a beautiful, beautiful dream. I think of it daily. All the time. It goes over and over in my mind, like a well thought out screen play, that I have written with great care. I listen to the music, I can see every single step. I know exactly how I hope it will all play out. I know exactly how he wishes for the day to be for us both. The most beautiful dress is hanging in our closet, and all I keep thinking is...am I ever going to be able to wear it? Is this really going to happen?

It's not because we don't want to do it...it all comes down to money. Pure and simple. The all mighty dollar is controlling this entire event, and the pressure for me to earn more and more, to acquire the $8500.00 for the venue, flowers, tuxes, pay the photographer, and by the time we are done, we are gonna be over $12,000.00, and that's before we have saved one single dime for a honeymoon. What the fuck.

I am going to be absolutely crushed beyond belief, because what Carl and I want most is to have this ceremony, performed by my Aunt, that is rich in tradition and heritage, that will be emotional, and loving, and absolutely beautiful and heartfelt. it will be original, and unlike any other, and completely US, but we would have to go into almost complete and serious debt to do that, and I am terrified. I really don't know what to do....