~Retrospective and Letting Go~

I haven't had much time to write on here lately, and because of that, there is a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Some of this may seem a little random, and some of the paragraphs may seems to bounce around a little...so just try to hang on for the ride on this one. :-)

Changes are coming a little too quickly in this household right now, and I am really trying to hold it together for my Fam Bam. I know that they are looking to me, like I am the faithful bottle of Elmers glue, holding us all together, and inside of my head, I am freaking out, because I have no idea what is the best course of action right now. We need to move, I have been asked to promote, and the consideration came from out of absolutely no where, and completely unexpected, which makes the decision that much harder. My son has found himself in a sudden position of changing employment, which honestly, he wanted to do any damn way, so I, being the Mom, am trying to be supportive as possible, and not giving him any grief at all about, because he hated that stupid, disgusting job as it was. I really try hard to put things into perspective, and not freak out over stuff like that. In my mind, my rational way of thinking is, "he is living with Carl and I at the moment, so, he has a roof over his head, he has saved all of his money, he can get another job, we are a family, we are all healthy, safe, together.....I WOULD NEVER DO WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME"

So, this thing with me moving up at my job. This is really confusing. If I go back into the management thing...yeah. Lets break this down. First of all....they don't pay shit. This is not a joke. It's not a union position, and there is no way around this. Where I am now, frustrates the hell out of me, because I am treated like crap every single day, I come home feeling like I have been hit by a truck, and I can barely walk. I am so tired all the time, I have no energy to do anything at all. The physical aspect of it is just ridiculous, and it doesn't have to be that way, it's just that they don't have a damn thing organized there, and they are taking any steps to correct anything, so it's not likely to get better anytime soon. Hence, my interview yesterday with the Director of Restaurants. This was a surprising conversation to say the least. I have already completed my interview with the General Manager of the restaurant that they want me to transfer to, and my second interview, where I met with the room Chef, and Assistant Chef and Assistant Manager that also work there. This group of people were very nice, extremely kind, asked me tons of questions, and were not shy at all about their eagerness to have me come work with them to help improve their situation in this restaurant. I have experience with training and coaching of staff, and they seem to need this. The Director called me into his office for the "final" sit down to go over some things, and some of his questions were quite surprising to say the least. I will say that I have the utmost respect for this man. He is professional, courteous, gracious, and kind. He is caring of his employees, down to every single position, and does not feel that he is superior in anyway. He genuinely wants to make things better, not just for the company, but for the employee's, for the guests. He has sincerity. This decision is going to be rough. He was honest and upfront, and knowing that taking this position may mean that financially, Carl and I will be suffering for awhile, dammit, this is a horrible decision to struggle with. This man almost tried to talk me out of it because he said he would not allow me to make my family suffer if that would be the case, but that he really needed someone like me to help him with the huge problems that he was faced with....and trust...there are some really big problems going on there.

I HATE ramen noodles....

Have I said recently how much I really love Carl? Because I do...even though I am stressed more than I have been in years, and I am struggling with a very, very difficult decision, that I don't want to make right now, and I know that I need to do this, I know he will be supportive, I just want to put it out there that I love and appreciate him. See, one lesson that is very important that I learned a few years back is that pain must be discarded. This is something that many people that I love dearly have not yet learned, and I don't know how to help them, and it hurts me as well, to see them still carrying it with them, to see how it weighs on them. I have found that when hard times come now to Carl and I, we get through them because there is all of this free space to help shelter the fear, the questions, the pondering, the stress......is this making sense? I used to have all of this built up angst and pain and anger from years of neglect and abuse from my mother. No explanation is really needed, especially if you know me, but lets just say, she really wasn't a fan of me from day one, meaning my birth. Anyway, after that, I found myself in a "not so fairytale like" marriage, and that compounded into even more angst and pain, and hence, I had trust issues. LOL, understatement, I had anger, I had "what in the hell did I ever do to this world" questions. I still find myself, at times, thinking this very thought, but I am so much better than I ever was. I came to a point in my life where I discovered how to forgive, how to let go. Now, some people say that they have done this, but this is not the case. It is far, far from the truth, and it is because they cannot let go, that they bring the pain to other areas of their life, and they themselves don't even realize it.

My Grandmother Webster passed away, and when this happened, I was traumatized. I was so hurt, I really thought that my heart had exploded. Death had never affected me in that manner. I never lost my emotions in that way as I did the moment that my cousin came to the top of the stairs, and we just embraced and cried, and cried, and cried......

Later that afternoon, my parents sat in the living room with the rest of the family arguing over various issues, and I was so horribly embarrassed to be related to them, that I realized that not only did I need to separate myself from them in every single possible way that I could, but I forgave my mother for all of her idiotic behavior, her cruelty, her insolence, her abusive parenting, because I began to realize how sad it must be to have no real love. I almost pitied them. How sad of an existence, to have  no family, no friends, and to have such a farce of a marriage. My father was never faithful. He stayed with her out of pity. I always said that. No one believed me. They all said he truly loved her, yet right after she died, he ran right out, got a new woman, and straight away got married to her. Why harbor anger against such pitiful people? So, my point here is that when you have pain that comes from people who have hurt you in the past, blow that shit out. Yes it sucks, and yes it hurts, but you must let it go. It serves absolutely no purpose what so ever to keep it with you. If you keep it with you, you allow them to win. Why in the hell are you doing that? Why? I don't understand that. When people say to me that I am still angry at my mom, I laugh...NO, I am not. I let that go years ago. A picture of my Mom doesn't bother me, why in the hell should it? Makes no fucking sense at all. That is allowing a shadow to have power over my life. I am in control of my life now.....ME. God Dammit, I spent too much time wasted....being scared, being hit, being hurt. If anyone reading this understands....or is allowing this to happen to them, you better knock it off now. Really. You have the ability to make your life what you want. Don't be so pathetic that you allow another human being to ruin your happiness. Take your life back. It belongs to you. It was a lesson I learned the hard way....

I found out because I found Carl <3 I also found out that loving someone truly means that you don't loose yourself. Loving someone means that you remain the same. That whole "Two become one"....yeah....I don't like that. That means that one person gives up...one person FORGETS who they are. That's not right. When Carl and I got married, it was in our vows that we were joining together as two souls, but as two people together. Not as two become one. RESPECT. I support him, he supports me. If we make a decision, we make it together, we stick to that decision, together. You don't have to change yourself because you love another. This is where people always, always make the biggest mistake. This is where people always, always screw up. Dating, they are always on their best behavior, then they move in together, and all hell breaks loose. Get married, and oh my hell, why does he act like this? Why? Because neither of you were honest from the start. Carl and I had no intention of going this far from the beginning...lol. We made that clear to each other, so we were really comfortable right from the start, and truth be told, we made it clear we were going to be honest with each other, and guess what? It works. :-)


A "friend" who only needed me when it was convenient for selfish reasons, or to gain attention, was becoming too much weight, too much maintenance. Me, me, me is just not a friend, and if its a cheerleader that someone wants, well, go join a football team. I don't understand a person who has to constantly be told that they are "brilliant" or "pretty" or flaunted over, or whatever. That is plain insecurity, nothing more. Get your shit together. You don't need me for a friend, you need therapy. After disguarding the friendship on Facebook, but not my relatives or friends, don't text me, trying to act like nothing is wrong, then pout when I don't respond with little hearts and rainbows either. Put down the Xanax, and grow the hell up. This isn't 7th grade, sunshine. Rule number one....don't fuck with my husband bitch.

So....let's see, I don't know if there is anything else that was really on my mind at the moment, but if there is, I will hop back on. I really want to try to write, in a serious manner. Not just as a blog. I know when I hop on here, it's just thoughts, and this and that, but I am going to work on that. :-)

~Looking at the world through cloudy windows~

"Defend the wicked. Celebrate the wrong. Decorate the ghastly. Learn from the fools. Prize the worthless. Woe the times in which we live."

The above quote came from a recent debate which all started from a rant by a well known rapper, Lupe Fiasco. He recently said that in his opinion, President Obama, my BFF, :-), was at this time "the biggest terrorist" and of course, was immediately attacked for his immature statement. Lupe Fiasco is, for one, not actually Lupe Fiasco. He was born Wasalu Mahammad Jaco, and raised Muslim, and is still practicing his religious beliefs to this day. That said, he has every right to his beliefs and opinions, however, he also said that he does not vote, because, " casting a ballot for a politician for him is an endorsement of everything that person does. He won't do that for any presidential candidates because "I don't want you to bomb some village in the middle of nowhere," he said."  Um, okay? First of all...LOL. Lets just point out, for arguments sake, just because, as I pointed out, Mr. Obama IS my BFF, that his stance on the policy that Fiasco is taking issue with is actually in the SAME opinion as Fiasco's. If maybe, just maybe, Fiasco might take a moment to pick up a paper, or listen to the news, he would have heard or read this quote....

                                        

 

 

"....We meet at a time of great tension between the United States and Muslims around the
world — tension rooted in historical forces that go beyond any current policy debate. The
relationship between Islam and the West includes centuries of coexistenc­e and cooperatio­n, but also conflict and religious wars. More recently, tension has been fed by colonialis­m that denied rights and opportunit­ies to many Muslims, and a Cold War in which Muslim-maj­ority countries were too often treated as proxies without regard to their own aspiration­s....."

President Obama Cairo, Egypt
June 4, 2009 

 

So....yeah...anyway, back to my point. Lupe, Lupe, Lupe...here's the thing. I agree with your quote. I do. Not with the context in which you chose to use it, which was later on your Twitter page, but the quote itself, because when I read it, I thought about some of the things I had been bothered by, and it pertained to most of them. Allow me to continue.

 

 

People are fucking fake.  Down to their very core of their center. They look themselves in the mirror every single day, admire themselves, and yet, they know they don't have one damn redeeming quality. How in the hell do they do it? I just don't get it? It drives me insane! I don't get how everyone "clack clacks" around with this annoying bullshit, and worships all the wrong things. Really people. Get a grip! 

When we went to Grand Cayman, I really did leave so much behind. I know some are reading this and not understanding what I am saying, but those are exactly the people that I want to let go of. I don't have time for you. Go away, and take your nonsense with you. I found a center of peace and I am holding on to it. I don't worship celebrities and coach purses. I don't give a rat's ass about $150 jeans, or that someone has 12 credit cards in their wallet. All that means is that they are up to their fake ass hair color in debt, and don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out off. I don't care about how many friends are on your Facebook list, and I really don't care about ass kissing my way into any promotions to get anywhere. The "furious five" at work don't even realize how unstable their jobs are, and how quickly it all can, and probably is, crumbling out from under them at this very moment. Shallow and foul people make me sick. There is this disgusting woman at my job that talks about all of us, daily. She speaks badly about every single one of us. She said horrible things about me to one of my co-workers, then walked right up to me and tried to talk to me not two minutes later. She continuously tries to talk to me like I am stupid, like I don't know that she has more faces than Joan Rives has had face lifts. I don't even respond to her, I just walk away. My supervisor continuously harbors ill will towards me, for reasons still unknown to me. I see people who have more money than they need treating others, who worked entirely too hard, like garbage...simply because they feel like they can. Does this make them feel good? I have watch people jump defenseless victims, for no other reason other than they wanted to simply amuse themselves. Recently, a person who claimed that they were a good friend of mine, tried to manipulate and pry themselves in between myself and my husband, simply out of their own childish insecurities. People make no sense.

This is why I keep to myself. This is why I spent countless conversations explaining to my cherished children and to my best friend and now, my husband Carl, that it is so very important to realize the true things in life that really matter. Do not celebrate those that don't. Understand that some people are NOT your friends. Realize that some people are NOT hero's simply because they are on a television show, or they play a sport. Actors get paid an obnoxious amount of money to pretend, yet everyone acts like they are special. They are NOT. Teachers are special. Doctors are special. Music teachers, Art teachers, someone who sat and taught you how to write, your Grandmother, who sat with patience and taught you how to hold the crochet needle, while you clumsily fumbled with the yarn. The friend who is always there, no matter how many years go by, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what happens, no matter how broke we are, no matter how bad it gets. 

Life will teach you that the falsehoods are not to be celebrated. Do not fall for the fakes. Our world seems to be in this constant state of dreamland, and everyone thinks that they are on this reality show, that it's all funny, and we can get rich, and famous, but no. The truth is, life is hard. Most of us have to work really hard, and most of us will find that our reality is that the harshness of it all brings about a severity that most can't deal with. This is why you must surround yourself with loving, caring, and truthful individuals that will stand by you. Don't waste time with "label whores" who are out there looking for nonsense. Find the true hearts that will laugh, and love, and help you enjoy the beauty in this world. If it all burns down tomorrow, a coach purse won't hug you and tell you it's gonna be okay. Kim Kardashian's $10 million dollar engagement ring isn't going to help her run from zombies either. LOL. I'm gonna stick with my Fam Bam, and the rest of the world can kiss our ass.

~And then comes Marriage~

Well, we did it. We went from being friends, to me avoiding him as much as possible with the assistance of friends because I just didn't think this was a good idea AT all, to hanging out as long as we were with other people, to okay, we can do this, but NOBODY can know about it, to "maybe you should move in with me". Then, Willow. Yep, Willow was a moment when I thought, "he really might wanna stick around." See, Carl is allergic to dogs. I love dogs. I mean, I really love dogs. I have always had them...and not just one dog. Sometimes, up to 6. Breeding them even. Not having one was just depressing. The fact that he was willing to be uncomfortable maybe take a shot so that I could have a dog said a lot. Thank goodness Willow is a yorkie, and doesn't affect his allergies, and I might add, from day one has had Carl completely wrapped around her little paws. Then came Dexter, my precious pup. Wednesday dinners, getting new furniture, bills, the grind of the day to day...and then, one day he says, "...we should get married."

We said from the beginning that we didn't want to, and we never would for lots of reasons. We both agreed that people always get married for the wrong reasons. Most go into it with these fairy tale illusions, and no sense of reality at all. The idea that person will change afterwards is a joke. No, they won't, and you shouldn't be marrying someone you want to change anyway. The woman often gets too wrapped up in the dress and the damn ring, and all of that, and forgets that she is getting married. The marriage gets lost in the money, the wedding itself. We didn't want that either. When it looked like that aspect was starting to creep in to our plans, we stopped it immediately, and changed direction.

It was as it began, just the two of us, private. No one else to chime in and tell us what they think, what they wanted, or what to do. All that mattered was that we did what was important to us. At one point, there was a plan to even video the ceremony, but that didn't follow through, and now, I am actually happy about that. It keeps it ours completely. Almost sacred. We had no rehearsals, no schedules, nothing. We simply drove to the beach with our photographer, who so graciously picked us up from the hotel, and drove us to the very beach that we had loved so much the year before on our cruise. We had not said one word to them about this. As we slowly came by, I mentioned to Carl, "There's the Tiki Hut, where we were at on our cruise." and he told Yvette, "We loved this place. Penny took pictures of it on our cruise last year," and at the same moment, she pulled to the side of the road. My mouth just dropped. We looked at each other, just literally stunned that they had chosen the site for our ceremony on the beach right there. Right there...

 This is the picture that I took on our cruise...one of a few. I was really proud of them actually. They looked like they could be on a postcard. I remember telling Carl how beautiful it was....

Just to the right of this is Darts Beach. This is the site that our photographer, Yvette, had chosen for our ceremony. She told Joy, our officiant that everyone was going to Governors Beach, and she wanted to try a new place, something different.
After our ceremony, the champagne, tears, laughing, pictures, we were telling Joy the story, about how we just couldn't believe the irony of how we were on the very beach that we loved the year before. "How ironic." I said. Joy says, with her beautiful accent, "There are no coincidences."

People tell you they have those goose bump moments, or those little things that were so special that they seep into their mind, and stay there, always. There isn't one second, not one moment of that time that I don't hear, or see, or realize that it was almost surreal. If others had been around, I think it would not have been the same. The peacefulness of it would not have been. There were no distractions, no other voices, nothing else mattered in that very moment of time. All of the money in the world could not replace it. I truly believe it's the smartest decision we have ever made.

The post below is from the blog of our officiant Joy. We are very lucky to have her say such kind and beautiful words about us. Her partner in the office was just as kind when we registered, and told us she sent a copy of our ceremony by email to her daughter, because when she read it, the words touched her "to the very depths of her soul." She made me cry right there. She said it wasn't just a wedding, it was about a marriage.

So, in the end, our secret came out, and many shook their heads and said we were a joke. Many said some pretty horrible things about us, and laughed in our faces too. Through all of it, we really didn't care. While others were worried about presents, and hanging out all the time, Carl and I were forging a friendship, and a bond that is truly a force of strength. We took the time to talk, to laugh, to actually care for each other. People have tried to come between us, to play the little games..but to no avail. He is my very best friend, and I admire him in every way. Our life may seem trivial to some, but we don't care. In the end, it's the bond we have that matters. It is our family, our love. Anam Cara is real. I believe that now.

Irish Hand-fasting and Anam Cara Ceremony at Cayman Sunset Beach Wedding

May 25, 2011 By Joy 3 Comments

Their wedding vows referenced Tir Na Nog (heaven)

When this couple from Las Vegas, Nevada asked me if I would perform a special wedding ceremony for them, I was delighted to comply.  They worked on their ceremony for several weeks, personalising it to suit their heritage, their beliefs and their relationship.  It was a great experience for me as well, as I had never heard of Anam Cara, and using the hand-fasting ceremony in this particular way was new to me too.

The Bride carried items of sentimental value to her

In addition to her bouquet, the bride carried a small blue pouch, given to her by her aunt. It held a small silver angel figurine and a crystal.  The burgundy ribbon in the hand-fasting ceremony came from the bride’s paternal grandmother’s sewing kit, her green Irish rosary was given to her by her maternal grandmother.  Since both grandmothers have passed on, the bride wanted to honour them, and have them “participate” symbolically in the ceremony, and she chose this way to honour their influence and their presence in her life.

Different colours in the hand-fasting ceremony were significant

The ribbons in a hand-fasting ceremony  are significant to the ceremony in that the colours are what the bridal couple choose to bring to the marriage. Each colour represents a characteristic.  The braiding of the cords is significant, as in Irish tradition it is thought that any bad luck or bad spirits get “lost” in the weaving or braiding. Braiding then, is supposed to prevent bad luck or spirits from finding you, and therefore many people choose to braid their hand-fasting cords.

Anam Cara speaks to finding your soul-mate

This is what the bride told me about Anam Cara:  ” Anam Cara was significant to us , as we started out as friends, and I love the tradition of one’s soul finding its true match. I thought it was a beautiful thought, and we wanted very much for it to be a part of our ceremony, as we are friends above everything else, and as such, we truly have gotten through many challenges.
When it came to our ceremony, we didn’t want it to be like everyone else.  We wanted it to be from the heart, to be meaningful, and to be rich with something that can also be passed down to our family in years to come…”

This is a Caymanian tradition, the wedding jump!

This was one of the most beautiful weddings I ever officiated, and it has definitely made my Top Ten Favourite Weddings.  It just shows how special you can make your wedding ceremony when you think about it and personalise it to include features of deep significance and meaning to you.

Surrounded by beauty

These images by Yvette McField, part of our Cayman Sunset Wedding package.  You can book Yvette for any wedding package through Simply Weddings.

The last word!



ANAM CARA

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. The old Irish term anam cara is translated as soul friend. When you have an anam cara, you are joined in an ancient and eternal way with the person who is a friend of your soul. There is a deep sense of belonging and recognition. You are understood as you are and you are at home. When you feel understood, you can release yourself into the trust and shelter of another persons soul and they can release themselves into you. This kind of soul love is the most real, substantial and powerful form of human presence because it is the place or threshold where human presence and divine presence move in and out of each other.

~And then comes marriage...

Well, we did it. We went from being friends, to me avoiding him as much as possible with the assistance of friends because I just didn't think this was a good idea AT all, to hanging out as long as we were with other people, to okay, we can do this, but NOBODY can know about it, to "maybe you should move in with me". Then, Willow. Yep, Willow was a moment when I thought, "he really might wanna stick around." See, Carl is allergic to dogs. I love dogs. I mean, I really love dogs. I have always had them...and not just one dog. Sometimes, up to 6. Breeding them even. Not having one was just depressing. The fact that he was willing to be uncomfortable maybe take a shot so that I could have a dog said a lot. Thank goodness Willow is a yorkie, and doesn't affect his allergies, and I might add, from day one has had Carl completely wrapped around her little paws. Then came Dexter, my precious pup. Wednesday dinners, getting new furniture, bills, the grind of the day to day...and then, one day he says, "...we should get married."

We said from the beginning that we didn't want to, and we never would for lots of reasons. We both agreed that people always get married for the wrong reasons. Most go into it with these fairy tale illusions, and no sense of reality at all. The idea that person will change afterwards is a joke. No, they won't, and you shouldn't be marrying someone you want to change anyway. The woman often gets too wrapped up in the dress and the damn ring, and all of that, and forgets that she is getting married. The marriage gets lots in the money, the wedding itself. We didn't want that either. When it looked like that aspect was starting to creep in to our plans, we stopped it immediately, and changed direction.

It was as it began, just the two of us, private. No one else to chime in and tell us what they think, what they wanted, or what to do. All that mattered was that we did what was important to us. At one point, there was a plan to even video the ceremony, but that didn't follow through, and now, I am actually happy about that. It keeps it ours completely. Almost sacred. We had no rehearsals, no schedules, nothing. We simply drove to the beach with our photographer, who so graciously picked us up from the hotel, and drove us to the very beach that we had loved so much the year before on our cruise. We had not said one word to them about this. As we slowly came by, I mentioned to Carl, "There's the Tiki Hut, where we were at on our cruise." and he told Yvette, "We loved this place. Penny took pictures of it on our cruise last year," and at the same moment, she pulled to the side of the road. My mouth just dropped. We looked at each other, just literally stunned that they had chosen the site for our ceremony on the beach right there. Right there...

Irish Hand-fasting and Anam Cara Ceremony at Cayman Sunset Beach Wedding

May 25, 2011 By Joy 3 Comments

Their wedding vows referenced Tir Na Nog (heaven)

When this couple from Las Vegas, Nevada asked me if I would perform a special wedding ceremony for them, I was delighted to comply.  They worked on their ceremony for several weeks, personalising it to suit their heritage, their beliefs and their relationship.  It was a great experience for me as well, as I had never heard of Anam Cara, and using the hand-fasting ceremony in this particular way was new to me too.

The Bride carried items of sentimental value to her

In addition to her bouquet, the bride carried a small blue pouch, given to her by her aunt. It held a small silver angel figurine and a crystal.  The burgundy ribbon in the hand-fasting ceremony came from the bride’s paternal grandmother’s sewing kit, her green Irish rosary was given to her by her maternal grandmother.  Since both grandmothers have passed on, the bride wanted to honour them, and have them “participate” symbolically in the ceremony, and she chose this way to honour their influence and their presence in her life.

Different colours in the hand-fasting ceremony were significant

The ribbons in a hand-fasting ceremony  are significant to the ceremony in that the colours are what the bridal couple choose to bring to the marriage. Each colour represents a characteristic.  The braiding of the cords is significant, as in Irish tradition it is thought that any bad luck or bad spirits get “lost” in the weaving or braiding. Braiding then, is supposed to prevent bad luck or spirits from finding you, and therefore many people choose to braid their hand-fasting cords.

Anam Cara speaks to finding your soul-mate

This is what the bride told me about Anam Cara:  ” Anam Cara was significant to us , as we started out as friends, and I love the tradition of one’s soul finding its true match. I thought it was a beautiful thought, and we wanted very much for it to be a part of our ceremony, as we are friends above everything else, and as such, we truly have gotten through many challenges.
When it came to our ceremony, we didn’t want it to be like everyone else.  We wanted it to be from the heart, to be meaningful, and to be rich with something that can also be passed down to our family in years to come…”

This is a Caymanian tradition, the wedding jump!

This was one of the most beautiful weddings I ever officiated, and it has definitely made my Top Ten Favourite Weddings.  It just shows how special you can make your wedding ceremony when you think about it and personalise it to include features of deep significance and meaning to you.

Surrounded by beauty

These images by Yvette McField, part of our Cayman Sunset Wedding package.  You can book Yvette for any wedding package through Simply Weddings.

The last word!

~By the way...

So, I always feel that I am pretty honest, sometimes to the point of being brutal. I don't mean to be. I just simply feel that it's better to know exactly what I mean, with no confusion. People tend to tip toe around issues, and leave too much to the side. Later, feelings come up out of no where, and an explosion occurs, and one person is sitting there going, "what the hell just happened?". It was that thing that was left out two months ago. Yeah, that's why I don't do it anymore.

Recently, a few people that I know have passed away. This always is a very difficult time for anyone, but this brought up many emotions in me. I have had this continuous pain that is on my nerves, because no one seems to be able to give me a clear answer as to why I have the pain, and then when I recently saw a specialist, the answer that he did give me....well, I reject that answer. I don't care to have Fibromialgia, as I don't care to be in continuous pain for the rest of my life thank you. I already have severe Migraines, and that is enough. Two of the people that I know that passed, both had severe headaches as well. This brought about my concerns. One, had a stroke, and on the same day, had to be placed on life support. My son is a close friend of her son. He has been to Wednesday dinner. His name is Craig. Craig's mom specified in her will that under no circumstances was she to be placed on life support. On Mothers Day, they made her as comfortable as possible...and let her go.

Last week, a colleague of ours at work lost his wife to her battle with Cancer. She too, started with headaches. I remember having conversations with him last summer about how to help her deal with the pain, and how they were treating the lump in my back, as they had discovered the lump in her neck at the same time. She passed the other day as well, leaving behind a young daughter for him to now raise alone.

I think of things when this happens. I think of how I would not want for my family to suffer. I deal with my grief internally, because I don't like to burden. Most of my friends have no idea when I am hurting, because I don't tell them. I spend hours listening to them, but they don't know that I am hurting too. Sometimes, I want to scream and scream, because I hold too much in, but I can't help it. I know I need to talk too, but it seems lately, I am surrounded by people who are wearing blinders...and can see nothing but their own path.

I try very hard to put life into perspective, and to be grateful. Some say, "well, I have lost, and YOU have no idea how that feels." Fuck you. You have no idea what I have been through. You have no idea what I have lost, or had taken, or whatever. You have no right to assume that your life is in anyway, in any comparative, a greater tragedy than any other. Loss, is horrific. Loss, is painful, and tragic. The strength and the courage to overcome loss, is to continue, to overcome, to take the loss, and not let it take over your life. Only a coward does that. I would NEVER want my children, or my husband, to take the loss of me, and let it ruin their lives. I would NEVER, want them to eternally suffer, and pine for me. How utterly pathetic and selfish.

I guess what I am trying to say is this.....

I have been terrified in my last few doctor visits that I would receive horrific news. I have lumps, and I don't want them to be "bad" lumps. If something comes about, I am posting this publicly, so it is VERY, VERY CLEAR. There WILL be a huge fucking party. None of this damn, pathetic sobbing shit. That is NOT me, and dammit, I refuse to have it. I want whatever arrangements help make my family feel at ease. If they are comforted by me being cremated, and carrying me around...so be it. If they want me in a casket...so be it. I'm dead...what do I care? Now, this is a little hypocritical, but yeah, I would prefer to be laid in the casket on my side...cause that's how I sleep. Laying me on my back is just stupid. It's fake, and I'm not fake. And don't dress me all up either. Where am I going? Put me in something comfy dammit. I want certain music, and the list will be in my jewelery box. I want a traditional Irish Wake. Everyone get good and hammered. Lot's of laughing, lot's of fun, food, and music that my kids heard growing up, or at least all the movies we love playing on the TV.

There's more...but anyway...appreciate life. Every single day is a gift. If you think that you can buy your happiness, you have already lost. If you are searching for love in a $$$, you are behind the eight ball, and no win in sight. If you think that lying, cheating, and stealing will get you ahead, kiss my ass, cause it won't. You may think that the popular people are cool, but they suck. You may think that you have so many friends, but you don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. You may think, but you haven't got a clue, because you don't know what the hell you are doing.

Senario: It's tomorrow, and you are okay, your loved ones are okay....but everything is gone. Gone.....all you have is the clothes on your back. No car, no cell phone, no computer, no "electronic toys", nothing. Just each other. Is this your version of hell. Could you survive? Would you be grateful? Could you start over? Think about that next time you complain....next time you whine....next time you unappreciative of your life.

Discuss....

~Lá na Máithreacha~

Tomorrow is the day to celebrate our Mothers, the maternal figure who brings life, gives love, guides us on our way. This is a day of conflicting emotions for me. In many ways, it is wonderful. I am very fortunate to have my own children, who are the light of my life. They make me laugh, smile, and swell with pride. I never have enough time with them, they will never be too big for me to spoil, take care of, or nurture. I know that I over compensate in so many ways with them, and that too, is alright. I am nurturing myself when I do this for them. I am, in many ways, healing my inner child.

My own mother did not care for me much. I suppose that is the very kind way of putting this. It was announced to my Maternal Grandmother one day, "You take her. I have a son now, I have no use for her." My father had been stationed in Thailand, as it was 1966, and my brother had just been born. A son. Ah....a son. The great accomplishment. My mother then began her "nervous breakdown" years. My father had a box of chocolates sent to her, after the birth of my brother, and I, being an inquisitive child at the tender age of 2 1/2, saw the enticing chocolates on the counter. Wanting them, of course, I reached my chubby hands up, pulled the edge of the box, and of course, they all tumbled down over my head onto the floor. My mother was horrified. In her fit of furious anger, she yelled, grabbed me by my neck and held me until I turned a "curious shade of blue". (Her words, during the many times she chose to tell this story, mostly at holiday dinners). She then dropped me, and I ran, terrified, screaming, and hid in a closet, where I refused to come out, for over an hour. It was then she decided she could use some tranquilizers.

Over the years, our relationship never quite improved. When I was five, she became enraged at the attention I received from my father, and took a pair of scissors and chopped off all of my hair, which at the time, was down to my waist. This was amusing to her. When I was 9, she decided that I "suffered" from severe leg pains, and took me to the doctor, who prescribed pain medicine, which of course, she took for herself. When I was 13, she told me the hair growing on my arms made me "look like a man", and began a strange ritual of making me sit at her feet, while she took a comb and scissors and began a ritual of cutting the hair on my arms until it suited her liking. When I was 16, she told me that my legs were quite attractive, and now maybe, just maybe, yes, maybe I should start dating my fathers friend, who worked with him on base, in the same shop. I could continue, but I guess the defining moment, was standing in front of her, with two black eyes, a broken rib, and my 5 year old son, crying at my side. Her words, "You WILL bail him out right now, or I WILL evict you and these damn kids from this house and put you on the street!". Me, "No, I didn't put him in jail to bail him out." Her, "Penny, it's better to learn to get hit in the face, than to cut your income in half." Me, "Fuck you."

I eventually lost track and count...I have no idea how many years went by that we didn't speak. I saw her a few months before she died. She suffered. She suffered quite a bit. I didn't want her too. People always tell me that I will heal, that it's okay, but the truth is, I forgave her. The truth is, I let it go. My healing came sometime ago. I found strength over the last few years that I never knew I had. I have always had so many "adopted" kids. I always had stragglers here and there. I love taking care of "lost souls" I know what it is like. I know what it is like to be cast away like yesterdays garbage. I have spent endless conversations telling my own kids that I won't ever do that to them. I don't care if they smear themselves in peanut butter, and go dancing down the street in a clown outfit....I really don't care. If they are happy, and they aren't hurting anyone, I will love and support them.

I guess my message is this....If you are one of those very lucky and fortunate few who has a loving and wonderful mother, hug her. Love her. Tell her how much she matters to you. Let me make this clear. Money is bullshit....it DOESN'T MATTER. Presents DON'T MATTER. If you are that superficial that you need that....to hell with you. You have no idea how luck you are to have a person in your life who loves and cares for you. To have someone who listens, who loves, who is there to care, support, to just sit there and be with you. Damn....have you any idea? I do...because I didn't have it.

~Anam Cara~

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. The old Irish term Anam Cara is translated as soul friend. When you have an Anam Cara, you are joined in an ancient and eternal way with the person who is a friend of your soul. There is a deep sense of belonging and recognition. You are understood as you are and you are at home. When you feel understood, you can release yourself into the trust and shelter of another persons soul and they can release themselves into you. This kind of soul love is the most real, substantial and powerful form of human presence because it is the place or threshold where human presence and divine presence move in and out of each other.

On May 20th, Carl and I will be married on 7 Mile Beach, at Sunset, in Georgetown, Grand Cayman. Many who are reading this will say, "Oh my gosh, how romantic, how beautiful." Yes, and trust me, it will be. It will be because we will be getting married. It will be because of Anam Cara. He is, before anything else, my best friend. Amongst all of the doubters and nay Sayer's, Carl and I will prevail, and will be alright. I know this from the very depths of my heart. We did not jump into this lightly. We did not take this relationship for granted in any way. From the very beginning, we thought every single step through. When others were just finding out, we were thinking four steps ahead. When others were skimming the surface, and searching the superficial elements involved, we were talking, learning, laughing, just being with each other. Building something that would stand, evolve, and hold true. We found common ground in a place that made sense to no one but us. When others were worried about cars and clothes, we were learning about each others personalities, and beliefs, and morals. I watched Carl come into his own. He found himself over the last couple of years. He found a sense of who he is, a strength to be the man he wants to be. He found his inner voice, and he brought it out, and he sure in the hell isn't afraid to let him speak anymore. Some were quite taken back by all of it, but I knew this was a good thing. I too, found my strength. From knowing Carl, I found that it was okay to be loved, to have someone care about me. A person who would not hurt me. I learned how to trust.

Anam Cara is a very powerful and spiritual medium. If you are fortunate enough to find her, grab her, hold on, and take the ride. You don't need a church, or a priest, or anyone. You only need the loving heart of the one who brought her to you. Open your arms, embrace her, and smile, because your life has now begun. The warm ocean breeze will brush across our faces, and the sun will shine, and begin to set, and we will know, as Joy says, "you are now Man and Wife, Anam Cara eternal."