Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Its been awhile since I posted on my blog. There have been many things going on, and to say that I have been overwhelmed would not even begin to cover my emotions and stress. It is now down to day to day. I wake up, and the first thing that I realize is the level of pain. I hate that. I despise it. It is, however, a fact, at the moment, so I have no choice but to deal with it. The back issue was enough, but you know, my life has never been so simple, so of course, I got tossed the curve ball. A severe headache, combined with my husband and my sons reactions and concern, had me going to the ER for some relief. I didn't want to go, and was honestly having a severe anxiety attack while we were driving there. The triage nurse confirmed my worries, has he immediately began with the condesending remarks, like, "How do you know you have a migraine and not just a headache?" and "are you SURE that you have migraines, have you seen a neurologist?". All of the usual "this is a drug seeker" questions that must be endured. I understand it, because I grew up with one. However, I avoid going for a shot. I loathe shots. I would rather breathe and rock my way through the headache. This one though, had me slurring my words, taking away all of my ability to think, and I was feeling very stunned. The pain was so intense at times that I simply became idol. Meaning, no breathing, no movement, nothing. It all hurt so intensely, I just froze.
In walks the "doctor". He casually leans against the wall, and says, "So, tell me whats going on". I try, but the words just won't come out of my mouth. My husband tells him I get cluster migraines, and he responds with "cholesterol migraines?". NO, idiot, cluster. I wanted to tell him, "google it, read it, understand it, because it SUCKS". It is like have labor pains in your head, but no pause, no inbetween break. Just constant, non stop pain. He never examined me, he never came near me. He said, "so what do they usually give you?". I respond, "Toredol, and phenegran for the nausea. But the toredol never works, and it makes me feel very uneasy, and the pain doesn't leave." He nods, says, "alright". Leaves the room. A male nurse returns rather quickly, and I am surprised by that. Usually, ER rooms take forever, and when you have pain like this, even 2 minutes is eternal. He begins to prepare to give me a shot, and I ask, "what are you giving me?" He says "Dualidid for your pain". I look over to my husband, and I say, "I don't know what that is." The nurse then lifts my sleeve to give me the shot in my shoulder. I have never, and I repeat, never had a shot for my headaches in this manner. They always give me the shot in my upper hip, or in an IV, with saline, which helps hydrate me quickly. This too, helps the headache, since all of the throwing up means I can't even keep down water. Nope, this sadist slams this shot into my shoulder, and then......it hit.
Now, I have had relatively severe pain on different occasions in my life. My husband is always saying how high my pain tolerance is, and I myself, don't know if that is true or not. I don't know if it is tolerence, or just adjustment. If it is there, well, there really aren't many options, so, I deal. This pain, however, was something I had never experience in my life. It hit so severely, and was debilitating. I was stunned. It began to move down my arm, and not just burn, but felt like I had been stabbed, and my arm was being ripped off of my body, inch by inch. I cried, and I mean, wailed in a way that shocked myself, and my husband. The nurse didn't say anything, just wiped the cotton swab, left the room. I continued to cry, and I mean loudly. I was what I refer to at times as "snot bubble crying". That heaving, horrible cry that any listener knows is serious. I couldn't move my arm. I couldn't understand why a shot would hurt like that. It took me a few minutes to calm down, and be able to breathe without hyperventilating. I asked my husband what the hell just happened? I asked him to google the shot, because I had never heard of it, and now I was worried. They always return in about 10 mintues to check for any allergic reactions, but this nurse......never came back. The doctor, never came back.
Google is a occurring joke in our home, and I can't deny its usefulness. Upon searching out this shot, we discovered that Dualidid is a synthetic form of Morphine, only much stronger. People posting their reactions to this medication state that they got "instant relief" along with "I don't remember anything, I passed out immediately" and "this worked so well for my broken leg" and stuff like this. I was still in agony. I felt nothing, no relief in my headache pain, and my arm was hanging, useless, and throbbing. More reading lead to discovering that the medication is to be administered in and IV, diluted with saline. Yeah, now the panic sets in. Further reading led to discovering that people who have recieved injections improperly have not only had the pain I was experiencing, but damage. Damage to the muscle, the tendon, the nerves, and the damage was not temporary. Long term, permanent, chronic, all of the words that you never want to hear.
Our furious exit, after being openly offered "any prescription you want" from the "doctor", we went home, having received no relief for my headache, but added pain in my arm. It subsided after about an hour, and I tried my best to sleep. Fast forward to about three days later. I awake to a pain in my arm. Limited movement. I can't put on my shirt, brush my hair, I can't scratch my damn nose. Great.
I send an email to the hospital. I file a form with VAERS, for improper injections, and now, it has been over 8 weeks. Every morning I wake up hoping this has run its course, and that is dissolved immediately. It is now a pain that is constant, not just when I move my arm in certain ways or positions. I am having so much trouble sleeping, even if I use a sleeping pill, or hot tea, or all of the methods common to assist in a good nights sleep. Maybe, if I am lucky, I get 2 hours in a row. I am woken up with the pain, and have to administer more Sombra. This is a topical cream with a slight amount of heat, and a little numbing solution. It is, of course, a temporary fix. I use it on my lower back, first thing in the morning, and right before bed, and it helps tremendously. My arm however, is pretty much getting more severe. I have tried stretches, ice, heat, massaging it, everything I can think of.
Being in constant pain, makes you very cranky. No matter how happy you wake up, the pain is a constant reminder that today, I won't be able to reach into the cabinet for a coffee cup, not with this arm anyway. If I try to get up off of the couch, I can't use my left arm, or the pain is so searing, I am stopped in my tracks. Even now, just sitting here, typing, I have had to stop, about 4 times to walk around, try to move my arm, rub the shoulder, because the pain is intense today. I am going slowly insane, being so debilitated. I can't go to the doctor, because my wonderful job is not reporting my hours to culinary for my FMLA, that THEY requested I obtain for my leave. I did so, I had to pay the doctor for it, and they are NOT reporting my hours to culinary, which now resulted in culinary stopping our insurance coverage. Now, I am left without insurance, income, movement, pain relief.......options are gone.
Stress is not good for anyone, least of all a person who is injured or sick. It does not help the healing process. I have absolutely no idea how to solve any of these. Applying for disability has been stalled, because my job is absolutely ridiculous, and pretty much just being difficult so they can have a reason to let me go. I can't go to the doctor, I can't exercise much, I can't, I can't, I am at the end.
Anger, frustration, depression, isolation, fear, anxiety, stress.....small moments of comfort when I am covered with our pups, that constantly want love and attention. They seem to sense when the pain is more intense, and I feel horrible on days when I stay in bed, because they remain with me. They lay all around me, patient and attentive to my every move. Even when I need to take it very slowly to get out of bed to go downstairs and let them outside, they stay right beside me, watching me, stepping next to me. They look up at me with those eyes, like they understand, but don't know what to do either.
I have never been in this situation. I have never been at home for so long, no work, no ability to do what is needed. I feel useless and pathetic. I feel alone. I know I am not, but it doesn't do much good to answer the constant, "how do you feel today?" because I feel the same. It never seems to end, or get slightly better, and lets face it, who wants to hear that all of the time? I certainly don't. I look to future days with a sense of dread and despair. This is a new area for me. I always say, "don't worry about me, I always bounce". I think my bounce is drained and gone now.