Two Cent's in your Mail

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Kings and Pawns...and all of those in between.

I was blessed to have the three most gorgeous children on the planet. Yep...I said it. Fate, dealt me a shitty hand however, and circumstances, and my evil family as well, brought about some crazy Monday night movie shit that well, I just don't have the energy to type out. Let's just say, it's not fair...none of it was fair, and in the end, my kids were the one who suffered. Long story short, going back and forth in court became exhausting. My file was about 7 to 8 inches high, and growing constantly. I got sick of going...drained, tired, and worn out. Going up to my daughters school to get a copy of her records one day, I was told that I wasn't allowed to have them, because I wasn't her mother. The devil had been in, and put another woman's name down as her mother. That was just one of the many slaps in the face that I had over the years. My children have been through things that they didn't deserve. Sometimes, my own parents helped the devil...something that can never be forgiven, no matter how much it is explained in any way.

Moving on to the present, I have done every single thing that I can to move on and simply put that all in the past. Dwelling on it serves no purpose, and really, I am a much stronger person for it all anyway. I always did what I thought was best for my children, and I never took the low road. Even though there were times when I could have really been an evil bitch, I didn't attempt to be so, because I wanted to keep my integrity in tact. I wanted to know that I could hold my head up high. I knew that someday, the truth would all come out, and my children would make decisions for themselves. That was my only concern.

What really gets on my ever last fucking nerve is how some of these idiots go around and still want to brag and take credit for my kids accomplishments. I can't stand this. It has always been my thinking that a persons accomplishments are their own. No one deserves bragging rights but the person who achieved the goal. Just because you fucked (sorry for being so blunt) their father for a year does not mean that you have any credit for anything. Just because you laid your sorry ass up in the house that the devil lived in, does not mean that you can take credit for them being good people, or going on to make good decisions, or leading decent lives. Those, are their own. They do that because they want to. Take a look at your own kids. don't want too. 3 kids, 3 different son on son who is in and out of jail....the list goes on. Adios...get the hell away from my children. The reason they are the great and solid individuals that they because they don't want to BE LIKE ANY OF YOU.

Examples come in all shapes and sizes, and it's amazing to me how some choose to believe that they are the great ones. LMAO. Your not. If you were, your kids would be on the same track as mine. My kids are doing great because they had someone talking to them telling them to use their own mind. Someone was telling them that their childhood is a fraction of their life, and that one day, they will get out in this big ole world and take control and be able to do what they want. Set goals...don't be like all of this. Get out there and be BETTER. The job of a parent is to want MORE for their children. To want them to be better, smarter, faster, to achieve higher than we could have ever imagined for ourselves. If not, then we are selfish and stupid, and don't deserve to have them.

My kids are great because they had entirely too many examples of how NOT to be. Lessons learned. I am proud of them because they took notes, and they listened. Their accomplishments are all their own. They are not because of me, or their father or anyone else. They are because of their own drive and ability to overcome....make no mistake's not because of you either. So fuck off, and go on Maury, and hope that envelope helps you find out the baby daddy of your granbaby soon. :-)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

And Good shall be called Evil, Lukela's excellent thoughts on the Mormon conference.

Besides meeting Carl, I have one other very important factor that came about from my job at Cheesecake Factory. I had the extraordinary experience and will forever be grateful for meeting my wonderful friend Lukela. One, he was extremely supportive, and encouraging when it came to giving me advice about Carl. Lukela was right there telling me to stop being so silly, and give Carl a chance. If he hadn't done that...I might have missed out on the love of my life. Two, Lukela is an exceptional human being, with courage and strength, and and a love of life that inspires everyone who knows him. He is not afraid to take the world be himself, to be out there, false eyelashes and all. I adore him. I can't ever look at a picture of him with out a smile in my heart or without admiration and love. The piece below is written by him, and I am so proud. As a Gay, Hawaiian, transsexual Mormon, Lukela is absolutely fascinating, as well as almost a walking hypocrisy. LOL. He stayed true to his religion as long as he could, until one day...the hurt this must have caused him. I can only imagine. I love him dearly. This piece also shows how smart he is. I wish everyone could open their see the real world. To pull back the curtain and see the little angry man. One day...


And Good shall be called Evil...Thoughts on a General conference, for those who think in Generalities.

by Lukela LeGrand on Thursday, October 7, 2010 at 1:33pm
YEsterday I watched a talk given by Boyd.K Packer at the last Mormon General Conference. In this "TALK" (read off a teleprompter) He snarkishly calls out not only people who "SYMPATHIZE" with a gay person, but people who vote for equal rights. He condemns homosexuality at a socially sensitive time and encourages ignorance with the beguiling tongue of a 97 year old serpent, wait 94 year old. THEN labels the speech with LOVE and wraps the whole thing up in the name of JESUS CHRIST!.
  Now, my GHANDI answer to all of this is "listen, this guy hasn't seen god, this guy doesnt strike me as a homosexual, so why would I listen to a thing he has to say about GOD, or whats more, Gods view on Homosexuality. And I forgive his comments and ignorance" my UN- GHANDI answer is "someone EVIL is posing as someone GOOD".
       If I were to come up to you, say, a stranger in a grocery store and yell at the top of my lungs "I KNOW YOU ! I SAW YOU I saw you murder a small child! QUICK QUICK CALL THE POLICE!" I actually wouldnt look too crazy. I garauntee YOU would though, especially as you scream "I didnt, I dont even know this guy! what CHILD!?!? HELP HELP!!!!!HELP!" while the police tuck your little head into a crown victoria.
     Now, I wouldnt do that of course, I have a conscience. But egotistical, sociopathic power hungry men who actually believe they talk to GOD for all men? THEY DONT have a conscience, and they will throw out lies for thier own purpose. PERIOD. With no recoil or remorse. And they know the bigger the lie they sugar coat the more it will frustrate those who know better, and this they do so others will think the enlightened are crazy, the beautiful are ugly- "THE GOOD EVIL"
         Socrates taught a young student (was it Socrates? I dont know for sure) that indeed because the student was willing to admit that he did not know much, that he was the wisest in the land. I'm not good at Math, but if you are, try and count how many "I' knows" you can hear in a mormon General Conference. And about the craziest things.
        Hate, FEAR and ignorance are not small. Emotionally and in metaphor they are very big. They can be hidden though in big pretty Temples and even bigger prettier bodies of people. For if everyone took a pebble piece, we could hide the Himalayas.
I will forever oppose a religion that supports men killing each other for ancient reasons and preaches that two men loving out of love is a sin. I will oppose any religion that thinks they know what God wants for all man while asking man for his money. Like god would need such a thing to bring to pass a purpose. Question it all.
     I do not know much, and to a reader, a writer is worth only what he knows. But I have seen the great Mormon OZ, behind his curtain he is small and angry. Because of his fear you can tell his disciples for they are full of fear too. Do not listen to him. Tin man, you've a heart, Lion you've the nerve, scarecrow you've a brain and my Dear Dorothy's? you can find your way home without him. I love you, I am you. Now go be careful, wise and happy!

Our babies, our hearts.

Dexter just hopped up and drank almost half a cup of Carl's coffee. LOL. Now he is running around, playing with his monkey without a care in the world. What a smile that brings to my face. It is amazing to me how much joy these little ones bring to our lives. When we got Willow, the change was apparent almost immediately. Carl's stress level dropped suddenly. I had hoped for this, but was pleasantly surprised at how quickly he fell in love with her. She adores him, and bonded with him almost instantly. The second he comes home and walks through that door, his face is just beaming to see her. Her little tail is going a hundred miles an hour, and no matter how awful the day has been, it all just dissapears as soon as your face is covered in millions of puppy kisses. We got Dexter when he was only 2 weeks old, and just like that, became new parents. LOL. Sleepless nights, bottle feedings, yes, bottle feedings, and endless worrying while we were both at work. Wondering if he was warm enough, if he would be okay until one of us rushed home to feed him some more. He grew and just became such a character. He is so full of personality, and I don't think that I have ever loved any of my animals as much as I love these two little amazing creatures. Now we anxiously await the arrival of their puppies with such anticipation. Carl sits with his hands on Willows tummy, feeling every little movement, and kick. These little ones will be so spoiled. I just don't know how we will be able to part with them. I only am sure that who ever is so fortunate to be able to have one of them join their family, will one day understand.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Taking out the trash, and my own advice...

I have a friend that is always posting that she has too many friend who upset her, and use her and genuinely hurt her feelings. I always say to her, "take out the trash, it stinks". I realized, I need to do this myself.

Sometimes, people are just draining. They don't always mean to be, but they just take too much energy. It's not that I don't care about some of them, I just simply don't have the time or the energy to spend on them anymore. I find it very exhausting, and a waste of time really, to continue to carry on with it.

Take for instance, certain individuals who feel it is acceptable to be rude, condescending, and unapologetic for their behavior. Nah...not having it. I don't care who you are. Hiding behind your addiction of religion isn't gonna excuse your behavior either. Don't be rude to my husband and think I am going to let you get away with it. Out you go...maybe you should take a nice long look in the mirror, and I mean long look in that mirror. One that really gives you some perspective. Not one in church either. A reality mirror. One that shows you true colors. One that shows you that you can't go around spouting off at the mouth and expect people to understand what the hell you are saying if you are speaking in your own little world terms. Not even going to continue with this...You should have been a grown up and called him on his birthday...I won't ever forget that.

I don't understand the friends that only need you when they need something...and then all of a sudden, they need you so desperately. The "omg, what would we do without out our awesome friends" people. Haven't heard from you since the last time we saved your ass. Now you need us to come comfort you again. Where were you when you knew we needed a shoulder? Oh yeah..out getting the dumpster you go.

For the immature, still out clubbing, talking smack idiots...NEXT...

LOL...yeah, I know..I am ranting..I'm sleepy, and my hubby is at work.

I am just kind of tired. It seems that lots of really good people are getting shit on lately, and the people who run around skimming the system, and have piss poor morals are just skipping through life like the rest of us have the problems. Um, what the hell? My Aunt is talented, brilliant, and should not be looking for work. She should be retired, and writing a novel for the hell of it and relaxing. It pisses me off. Our dear friend Mimi should not be stressing overseas and wondering what to do...and I know your reading this Mimi..but you know what I am talking about...Carl works his ass off everyday, while being passed over for a promotion that he deserved while a lazy ass got said promotion, and calls in twice a week sometimes...what the hell? People are out there having kids that they can't feed...and asking for hand outs to feed them. Others are moping around wondering how to pay their bills, but won't get off their ass to get a job, they just go move in with their parents and search for more sympathy online on facebook. Yeah, I could name names, but most of you know who I am talking about...but what difference does it make. Nobody is perfect, and I don't claim to be either. I only know that I work my ass off, I make no excuses, and I don't expect anyone to give me a free ride either. I am a loyal friend, and even more loyal when you are my fam bam, and let me tell you...the trash has to go...because I am so tired of the stench. It is time for clean air. I need to breathe, so that I can be positive and happy for the coming months. There is a wedding coming...and I need to be ready. :-)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I've come to realize

This was a note from a Facebook post, and I thought I would post it here, because every now and then, I just may come to realize something new, and add to it. :-) It could happen...

1. I've come to realize that some day my kids will truly understand what I sacrificed, and why I made the decisions that I did when they were younger.

2. I've come to realize that my life is coming full circle. People who were very important to me when I was younger, have recently returned in my life.

3. I've come to realize that I will never be fully comfortable with my appearance.

4. I've come to realize that the hard times were just lessons so that I would know how to appreciate what really matters in life.

5. I've come to realize that I will never be a "girlie girl" and that's fine by me.

6. I've come to realize that people really are ignorant. By this I mean, most people really are content going through life not knowing, or caring, how to think for themselves.

7. I've come to realize that even though I was worried about my son Daryal for a little bit there, he really is going to do great, and he has grown into a very strong, caring, and compassionate man.

8. I've come to realize that I am jealous of my son Mark's ability to just let things roll off his back, and not worry. He deals with pressure and stress so well.....I wonder where he got that from, and how can I get it?

9. I've come to realize that I will never have the love and acceptance of my mother went to her grave without closure, and he will do the same, and there is nothing I can do about it.

10. I've come to realize, after recently being reunited with her, how much I have missed having Sally around in my life. She is always laughing, always up for anything, always so brave and outgoing. I really love her....

11. I've come to realize that maybe as much as I thought I didn't matter, maybe I did make and impact on some people somewhere along the way....

12. I've come to realize that I am extremely fortunate to have had some very strong female family members who knew my mother was insane, and tried their best to fill the gaps in my life that all of that caused. I am eternally grateful...

13. I've come to realize that ignorance really is bliss in some situations.....

14. I've come to realize that patron, and vodka, and beer, and no food leads to memory loss, broken toes, and admitting you love someone when it was the last thing you wanted him to know....

15. I've come to realize that sometimes, there are reason why you didn't wind up with the person you long for over the years, and that maybe those reasons are really good ones. Not always a happy ending....and I wish I had never reunited with him, because the good memories from high school are better than the reality that is his life today.

16. I've come to realize that the day is quickly approaching when my daughter will have to face some very hard facts about her father, and I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to get her through the pain that all of that is going to cause her.

17. I've come to realize that I won't ever be rich....but my life has more value because of the people I love, and the ones who have come to be my true family....

18. I've come to realize that my grandma Webster really was a genius in many ways....and I miss her every single day....

19. I've come to realize that I was born too soon.....:-)

20. I've come to realize that time and days can go by, but my brother Scott and I will always have that strong connection and love that no insanity from our family can destroy....

21. I've come to realize that I am NOT my mother....

22. I've come to realize that music just isn't any good right now....seriously...what happend?

23. I've come to realize that I have missed NOTHING by having no interest what so ever in reality shows, MTV retarded shows, Big Brother, or soap operas....I'm just sayin....

24. I've come to realize that it really bothers other much more than me that I was in an abusive marriage. I am the one who went through it, and anyone who has ever asked me about it always seems to get so's over, it' done....I'm still's all good. :-)

25. I've come to realize that avoiding him was silly....

26. I've come to realize that the people who matter, and are supposed to be in your life, will be. All the others come and go...and that's okay. I don't need to be the social butterfly to feel good about my life.

27. I've come to realize that I wish I had pursued my singing more when I was younger.

28. I've come to realize that most people just don't talk to their kids anymore. They sit at tables at restaurants, and the kids are staring at portable DVD players, or their Ipods, or they are texting....seriously need to invest time and interest in your children.

29. I've come to understand that some people really do deserve a good

30. I've come to realize that everyone has an addiction of some kind. Religion, drugs, alcohol, gambling, bad relationships.....and some substitute one for the other. All of them can be beaten....all of them take over your life, and stop you from thinking for yourself, from making your own choices.....

31. I've come to realize that even though we never expected any kind of relationship to develop, it all just progressed on its own like it was meant to be.....and that's kind of nice. :-)

32. I've come to realize that I can't protect my kids from everything, but I am damn well gonna try...

33. I've come to realize that he really is the love of my life.

34. I've come to realize that if I die tomorrow, I will probably be remembered for my cooking...and that's gonna make me

35. I've come to realize I will NEVER enjoy sushi...I just don't get it....

36. I've come to realize that my 3 children are my greatest achievement, and I couldn't wish for anything more than our Wednesday nights, just eating, laughing and watching movies. It may not seem like much to most people, but it makes my life complete.

Gone, never to return...

They say that the state of Missouri should be called Misery, and since I lived there, I understand why. I am very obsessed with England, and even though I am a history buff, I believe that the true reason that I am drawn to the country is because it is the place where some sense of happiness managed to slip through that very thick wall of dysfunction, before the dark ages. The dark ages being Missouri.

My family went through quite a bit of trauma in that state. Not that the state is to blame of course, but you can't help but hold on to it when you look back on your life history. You tend to relate one to the other. I really have no desire to return to Missouri, and even though I loved camping as a kid, I just can't bring myself to do that either. Allow me to explain.

Our base was boring, and being that we lived near the glorious town of Knob Noster, population 1185, you can imagine, there wasn't very much to do. Hence, we invented things. The summer before my junior year, a tent was put up behind the house of the Harris family. Now, innocent as this sounds, some things occurred in that tent that haunt me to this day. See, we became quite skilled, our little group of about 6, of sneaking out of our houses at night, during the summer, and running to the base pool, to swim. Now, I know what everyone is thinking, but no. No skinny dipping was going on. We simply jumped the fence, and swam around for a little bit, then would jump the fence again, go to the tent behind the Harris house, hang out for a little bit, and all go home before sunrise. Seemed harmless enough, but we thought we were so cool.

I was really shy, and quiet that year, and having just broken up with my first love, going through an awkward time of confusion. He was the only guy who had ever really shown interest in me, and he was extremely popular. We broke up, and I felt very lost. All of a sudden, my phone started to ring on the weekends, and I didn't quite know how to handle this attention. Then, Jerry Casey. Now, I actually liked Jerry. He lived about 4 houses up from us, and was always really nice to me. He had been going out with another girl for a long time, but they too had broken up recently, and all of a sudded my surprise, started winking at me on the school bus, saying hi to me in the halls. what? Sounds harmless and silly now, but for an awkward, skinny 16 year old...OMG.

July 1st, 3 days before my 17th birthday, and I am outside of my house, talking with some friends. Jerry Casey comes walking down the street, and wants to talk to me alone. He asks if he can come talk to me at my bedroom window later, and if I am going to sneak out tonight to go swimming. It's a decision that I have regretted my entire life. Big sigh...huge sigh...deep breath.....

Later that night, I hear a tap on my window. I eagerly jump out the window, and there is Jerry, and one of his friends Don Hammons. They also have a bottle of Bacardi 151. Yeah, I don't drink, and especially at that time....well...anyway. We go sit out by the curb, harmless enough, talking, and start sipping straight out of the bottle. Having absolutely NO idea what I am doing, I drink away...I think this is just great.

I wake up. My arms are being held down and I don't even know if I can move them. My head is spinning, and I don't really understand why I can't hear very clearly, but I know right away what is happening. I look up to see that it is Don holding my arms. Jerry is telling me it's okay...but no, it's not okay. He asks if it hurts, but I just feel so sick to my stomach. I tell him to let me go, let me up, I am going to be sick. He tells me no, I am not. Everything goes black.

Wake up again...I am stumbling, and I know someone is holding me up, but I have no idea who. My stomach is turning, and I start throwing up. I feel something running down my leg, but I am so sick to my stomach, I don't even care. I know we are by the creek, because I am kneeling in the water. I try to flush my face, but someone is saying, "just get her home, just get her home". They keep walking me, towards my house, which is up a very large hill. I fall, stumble, and throw up again. I hear my brother Franks voice. He must be talking from the window well in the basement. He is telling them to shut up or they will wake up my parents. I go black again.

I wake up in Shonda's bed. I have no idea how I got there. I don't remember walking there, I don't remember much at all. I feel so sick, I go to the bathroom. My legs hurt, and I feel something that I haven't felt before. An aching, and soreness that isn't normal. After I use the bathroom, I notice that I am bleeding, but I am not having my period. I look down, and I have bruises on both sides of my inner thighs. I have bruises on my knee caps. Scrapes and scratches on my legs. I look at my wrists, and they look the same. I get to the mirror, and look at my face. I stared at myself for maybe 30 minutes. This was how it happened? This was my first time? This was what really took place? My life was shit. I threw up again. I think in the span of the next 3 days, I must have been sick to my stomach a hundred times. I couldn't shower enough. I felt like every single person who looked at me....KNEW. I couldn't tell my parents. What? Are you kidding? My father would beat me. My mother would call me a whore. Where could I go? What could I do? I was damaged now. My life would be forever scarred because I was not a virgin, and not only was I not a virgin, but I had been used, like garbage. That's it. I was garbage.

This has haunted me for so long, and I have never been able to write it down. There are only 2 people I have spoken to about it, and Shonda is the only one who knows it took place. Jerry Casey's girlfriend bullied me for months afterwards, trying to beat me up, tormenting me, telling all kinds of lies, confronting me at school, because she thought I had relentlessly searched out and cheated with him. I withdrew. I turned in, and never recovered. I became timid, scared, damaged, disgusted with myself. It's something that I still struggle with to this very day.

Things in life happen and you do your best to go on. I know that I have not been through the worst, but sometimes, I really wonder what I did in a past life to deserve some of the shit hands that I have been dealt. It's hasn't been an easy ride, that's for sure. I am still trying though. I am....I don't want to give up.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Redemption, and running out of Tootsie Rolls

I was sitting on our couch, and reading the Huffington Post. I love some of the articles, and despise some of the comments left on said articles, and this is why I enjoy reading it. LOL. I find that reading both gives me a perspective on people, and also and insight on the world. It also makes me appreciate my soon to be husband with such a heart swelling pride. I look at him, and remember the man he was when I met him, and see the man he is today, and look to the man he is evolving into, and realize, damn, I really got it right this time, didn't I?

See, relationships are hard enough, let alone having everyone else put their two cents into it and try to influence you, or bully you into doing what they want. I was eating my Tootsie Rolls, one of my favorite candies, and reached for another one, when I came across a funny situation. At the very moment I reached, and realized I had run out of said Tootise Rolls, I read, "relationship status: engaged to- Christine Dickie". Hmmm. Now this was hiliarious to me. Why? Because I was reading the relationship status of my recently widowed father. I guess most wouldn't discribe this situation as "hilarious", but to me, oh, it was. I immediately thought, "redemption".

For so long, I knew my father was not happy in his marriage to my mother, and I always said, I would never stay married if that was how it was going to be. They stayed married because that's what they were supposed to do. He cheated, they beat the hell out of each other, and for what? Geez, just end it, and move on. I always said, if mom went first, Dad would move on, and move on he did. He didn't waste much time. Everyone always thought they knew him so well. I guess I knew him better than I thought. Now, my dad is gonna find out quickly what it's like on my side of the fence, cause the "troops" are turning, and they are pissed. Oh, my brother is hearing the ink dissapearing on the will, and the thought of another woman moving in on Dad's measly belongings before him is making his blood boil. Name calling, spitting and out right disgust is in the air already, and I am sure my Dad is thinking, "what the fuck". But this is how it really is when you have the audacity the nerve, to live your own life, to move on and try to be happy. Oh hell no.

So, yeah, I feel like in some small way I have some sense of redemption, because I have been right about one small thing. I ran out of my beloved Tootsie Rolls, but found a small amount of truth. I can live with that.