Two Cent's in your Mail

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

~Learning about my Heritage~







When Carl and I were married, we chose to have an Irish Handfasting Ceremony instead of the "traditional" wedding vows that most couples use today. Some people did not understand what this meant, and others were absolutely fascinated by it when we told them what we planned on doing. Anytime I tell anyone how we got married, they are surprised, and interested by it, and ask so many questions. After explaining all of it, and the reasons why we did it, every single person's response has been so overwhelming, and just amazing. Most of the women cry, lol. The beautiful woman in Grand Cayman who registered us for our papers told us not only did she cry, and was she so touched by our vows, but she emailed our ceremony to her daughter. She said she "felt" our vows to the very core of her heart. She said that she knew our wedding was not just a ceremony, but it was a true marriage. When someone tells you that, it is truly an honor. I was crying right there in the Georgetown office, and it was so emotional, and we hadn't even said one vow yet. :-)

Below is just a small explanation of what an Irish Handfasting is, and the history of the ceremony. Why it began, how it began, and how it has sculptured and molded the ceremonies of modern times. Yes, Pagan ceremonies were the FIRST ceremonies. :-) Yes, they were spiritual, beautiful, and yes, they were a binding contract between a man and a woman, before churches, before religion, before all of the nonsense began. I am so proud to be Irish. So proud that my heritage is so strong, so rich in culture and history, with color, diversity, and blarney. :-) It's good to be Irish.



Handfasting is an old Irish ceremony of commitment. The ceremony formalized a relationship, whether an engagement, a trial marriage, a permanent marriage, or optimistically, a marriage over several lifetimes. This Celtic ceremony of unity, whatever the terms, represents the intention of two (and nowadays sometimes more) people to make their lives together and ideally to love and cherish one another.

The Celtic harvest festival, Lughnasa, celebrated on August 1, was greeted with great anticipation not only because it expressed gratitude for the harvest, but because by the end of it, many couples had formed, were handfasted, and went off for a year of marriage to renew their vows the following year---that “year-and-a-day”---or not, as the case may be.

Though handfasting goes back to the mists of ancient times in Ireland, as do the Brehon laws, when marriages were not always what today we think of as “traditional,” it was practiced even in Christian Ireland. There were not always priests around to perform the wedding ceremony, and love, like time, prefers to wait for no man. It was not even a requirement that the marriage be witnessed for it to be legally binding once the couple had performed the ceremony.

Under Brehon law, there was an understanding that marriages didn’t always work out, and incompatible couples needn’t stay together, but the care of children, division of property, and inheritances were serious matters, and provisions were made under these sophisticated laws.

Irish wedding ceremonies are rife with symbolism, and handfasting is no exception. In handfasting, the wrists of the couple are bound together with a ribbon or cord. Each partner holds the hands of the other---right hand to right hand, left hand to left---their wrists crossed. The ribbon is wound around the wrists over the top of one and under and around the other, thus creating the infinity symbol. It is said that this ritual is the origin of the term “tying the knot.” The vows are spoken and the celebration commenced.



In a Celtic ceremony, everything has meaning: the music, the flowers, the braids in the bride’s hair, the rings---now often Claddagh rings---and even the use of evergreen garland around the doorways.

Though some may think that the symbols used in these ancient rituals are somehow anti-religious, make no mistake; they may be hold-overs from pagan times, but they are valid representatives of the things we humans hold precious. They speak to the collective unconscious, to the inner person. Do you shake hands? Does a suitor ask for the hand of a woman in marriage? And when we marry, do we promise to love the other forever…and a day?


Aes Dana


The Aes Dana (pr. es da’ na) was the intellectual class of ancient Ireland, though they bore little resemblance to ivory tower intellectuals of our day. These were down-to-earth people who traveled freely among various clans practicing their disciplines. They were healers, poets, druids and brehons (interpreters of the law) who existed to serve the free people of Ireland. Their studies were exhaustive, taking as long as 12 years to complete before being initiated. Learning was accomplished by memorizing oral teachings, not reading books. The aes dana were blessed with ability and accomplishment - but only so they could be a blessing to others.

Wisdom of the Tuatha

The Tuatha de Danann (too’-ah de dan’ nan) were a conquering race of people who, during the 2nd millennium BC, were responsible for erecting the standing stones in Ireland. They were organized into a religious and warrior aristocracy and had great influence upon druidic religion as well as the political institutions of the Sons of Mile (the Gaels) who succeeded them. When the Tuatha were defeated by the Gaels, they were banished to the places beneath the earth, within burial mounds (like New Grange) and beneath the water. There the Tuatha was 'elevated' and assumed magical powers and became what some today call the leprechauns or the sidh (the others). This design shows intertwined spirals that appear and disappear in their travels much as the Tuatha did, transformed by circumstances from conquering humans to a defeated and banished race to otherworldly magical creatures. A rough trip, but think of the stories they could tell.


Places In Between

The ancient Irish race called Tuatha De Dannan, after being defeated in a grand and terrible battle, were exiled to live beneath the hills and under the water - in all the secret and hidden places the Emerald Isle held. Their descendants, known as the Sidhe, (pronounced shee) are to this day said to possess magical powers, to never age, and to be great lovers of music, beauty, and occasionally, an unwary mortal. Lovely or ugly beyond imagining, loyal and helpful or devotedly malign, the Sidhe creep out of the shadows and into our lives from time to time. Keep a weather eye at what might be coming to visit you from the Places In Between.

Tir nan Og

Tir nan Og (also spelled Tir na Nog) and Tir inna Beo (pr. teer ne nog and teer ne mo) – the land of the afterlife and the land of the living respectively, surround a Celtic tree of life image whose branches and roots (nine of each in three sets of three) are intertwined. The Celts saw threes as foundational in their understanding of their world.
Creation is divided into the stellar, solar and earth/lunar realms. Existence into the sky, earth and underworld. The triple goddess is seen as maiden, mother and crone.
Tir nan Og is pictured as a western island on which all those who have "gone across" are forever young and lovely and spend their time singing beautifully, feasting, loving and enjoying one another's company. Today there's many a pub that's taken the name Tir nan Og, in which youth and beauty are always present - at least after a pint or two.




Erin gra mo chroi

It’s Gaelic for Ireland of my heart. Before it was the lovely sad song of a young woman in New York, part of the Irish diaspora, longing for her island home, it was the heartfelt cry of hundreds of thousands of others driven from their homes by the cruelty of the British Empire as it usurped Irish land and Irish resources for her own insatiable appetite for gain and went so far as to outlaw our language and our faith – upon penalty of death.
Nearly a hundred years after establishment of the Republic of Ireland, we still long for Erin gra mo chroi, but with a new hope. The IRA remains unarmed and Sinn Finn is working hard toward reunification in 2016. Ireland, left to the Irish, could enjoy peace and freedom and once again, at long last, determine her own destiny.


Beltane Wreath

Beltane (pr. bel tan' ya) was the Celtic festival celebrating what we call spring. Sacrifices were made in hopes of a fertile and abundant growing season. Participants would adorn themselves in garlands of flowers and other plants and it was a time of wedding for couples who had expressed that intent in the seasons since last Beltane. Beltane, like Sanhaim is a ‘thin’ time – a time when the veil that separates the worldly from the other-worldly stretches and grows thin in special places. Sometimes so thin that it’s possible to slip from one side to the other unnoticed.
In this design a wreath of mistletoe-like vines and berries surround a five lobed knot. It did not escape the Celts that although there were surly four seasons, each was only part of a larger whole, hence the five lobes to the Beltane knot – one for each season and one for the whole.

Bru na Boinne – New Grange

Bru na Boinne – bend in the (river) Boyne - early in ancient Ireland a river sacred to the goddess Banbh (pr. Bive). This amazing construction is astronomically as complex and accurate as Stonehenge, yet much older. The enormous kerb stone at the entrance to the Mound is inscribed with a lunar calendar in a code that took centuries to rediscover. New Grange, Knowth and other sites of profound antiquity speak of the amazing role played by the people of the Celtic islands in the history of the world. To gaze upon these marvels instills simultaneously a deep sense of pride and humility at being a small branch issuing from the mighty roots of Ireland's beginnings.



Staff of Life

We don't live on the earth, we live with her, and she with us. This truth was a part of the daily lives of ancient Celts, and still is among those of us whose souls resonate with the continuing energy of creation pulsing all around us.

Anam Cara

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. The old Irish term Anam Cara is translated as soul friend. When you have an Anam Cara, you are joined in an ancient and eternal way with the person who is a friend of your soul. There is a deep sense of belonging and recognition. You are understood as you are and you are at home. When you feel understood, you can release yourself into the trust and shelter of another persons soul and they can release themselves into you. This kind of soul love is the most real, substantial and powerful form of human presence because it is the place or threshold where human presence and divine presence move in and out of each other



Brigid’s Four Poles

The Celts were ever aware of the cycles and polar influences of life. The seasons (Spring thru Winter): Beltane, Lughnasadh, Samhain, and Imbolg; dawn through night and back to dawn; the realization of life, light, love and law and how awareness travels between them. Here, the traditional woven cross of St. Brigid demarks the boundaries between these cycles and influences. To be awake to life, to be able to recognize and name these forces is to take control of, if not the force, at least our response to it. Therein lies the root of wisdom.


Origins of Brighid:
In Irish mythological cycles, Brighid (or Brighit), whose name is derived from the Celtic brig or "exalted one", is the daughter of the Dagda, and therefore one of the Tuatha de Dannan. Her two sisters were also called Brighid, and were associated with healing and crafts. The three Brighids were typically treated as three aspects of a single deity, making her a classic Celtic triple goddess.
Patron and Protector:
Brighid was the patron of poets and bards, as well as healers and magicians. She was especially honored when it came to matters of prophecy and divination. She was honored with a sacred flame maintained by a group of priestesses, and her sanctuary at Kildare, Ireland, later became the home of the Christian variant of Brighid, St. Brigid of Kildare. Kildare is also the location of one of several sacred wells in the Celtic regions, many of which are connected to Brighid. Even today, it's not uncommon to see ribbons and other offerings tied to trees near a well as a petition to this healing goddess.
Celebrating Brighid:
There are a variety of ways to celebrate the many aspects of Brighid at Imbolc. If you're part of a group practice or a coven, why not try Honoring Brighid With a Group Ceremony? You can also incorporate prayers to Brighid into your rites and rituals for the season. Having trouble figuring out what direction you're headed? Ask Brighid for assistance and guidance with a Brighid's Crossroads Divination Ritual.
Brighid's Many Forms:
In Britain, Brighid's counterpart was Brigantia, a warlike figure of the Brigantes tribe near Yorkshire, England. She is similar to the Greek goddess Athena and the Roman Minerva. Later, as Christianity moved into the Celtic lands, St. Brigid was the daughter of a Pictish slave who was baptised by St. Patrick, and founded a community of nuns at Kildare.
In addition to her position as a goddess of magic, Brighid was known to watch over women in childbirth, and thus evolved into a goddess of hearth and home. Today, many Pagans and Wiccans honor her on February 2, which has become known as Imbolc or Candlemas.
Crafts to Honor Brighid:
In many Pagan traditions today, Brighid is celebrated with crafts that honor her role as the protector of the hearth. You can make a Brighid corn doll, as well as a Bride's Bed for her to sleep in. Perhaps the best known decoration is the Brighid's Cross, whose arms represent the place where a crossroads comes together, the space between light and dark.
Brighid and Imbolc:
Like many Pagan holidays, Imbolc has a Celtic connection, although it wasn’t celebrated in non-Gaelic Celtic societies. The early Celts celebrated a purification festival by honoring Brighid. In some parts of the Scottish Highlands, Brighid was viewed as a sister of Cailleach Bheur, a woman with mystical powers who was older than the land itself. In modern Wicca and Paganism, Brighid is sometimes viewed as the maiden aspect of the maiden/mother/crone cycle, although it might be more accurate for her to be the mother, given her connection with home and childbirth.

Celtic Pathways

Before the Cross was a Christian symbol it was used by many cultures to represent the intersection of a variety of paths and forces. Heaven and earth, deity and humanity, the natural and the supernatural. In each of the arms of the cross is a labyrinth-like structure representing ‘the journey’. These paths are defined alternately by solid and broken lines indicating that not all journeys are the same – though all move toward a center, an essence. The Celts were great believers in the journey and in the absolute importance of how one conducts one’s self on the journey. Let this motif remind you of the importance, not necessarily of arriving, but of intentionally and reverently proceeding upon your path.



The Four Evangels

The Celts are among the very few cultures to willingly accept and assimilate Christianity without at least a small war or two. Once the change was made, the Celts threw their creativity and imagination into preserving their new faith just as they had with earlier beliefs. Since it was the Gospel writers, the Four evangels, who originally published the good news, angels figure large in early Christian manuscripts coming from Ireland, Scotland and Wales. While the rest of Europe was crumbling in upon itself culturally and intellectually, the Celts kept the spark of intellect, imagination and joy alive on their tiny islands. Was there an angel or two, or even four watching over them? Who could say there wasn't?


St. Patrick and the Pagan Snakes of Ireland:
St. Patrick is known as a symbol of Ireland, particularly around every March. One of the reasons he’s so famous is because he supposedly drove the snakes out of Ireland, and was even credited with a miracle for this. What many people don’t realize is that the serpent was actually a metaphor for the early Pagan faiths of Ireland. It’s important to note that he did not physically drive the Pagans from Ireland, but instead St. Patrick brought Christianity to the Emerald Isle. He did such a good job of it that he began the conversion of the entire country to the new religious beliefs, thus paving the way for the elimination of the old systems. And while it’s true that snakes are hard to find in Ireland, this may well be due to the fact that it’s an island, and so snakes aren’t exactly migrating there in packs.
The real St. Patrick was believed by historians to have been born around 370 c.e., probably in Wales or Scotland. Most likely, his birth name was Maewyn, and he was probably the son of a Roman Briton named Calpurnius. As a teen, Maewyn was captured during a raid and sold to an Irish landowner as a slave. During his time in Ireland, where he worked as a shepherd, Maewyn began to have religious visions and dreams — including one in which showed him how to escape captivity. Once back in Britain, Maewyn moved on to France, where he studied in a monastery. Eventually, he returned to Ireland to “care and labour for the salvation of others”, according to The Confession of St. Patrick, and changed his name to Patrick, which means “father of the people.”
Today, St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated in many places on March 17, typically with a parade (an oddly American invention) and lots of other festivities. However, some modern Pagans refuse to observe a day which honors the elimination of the old religion in favor of a new one. It’s not uncommon to see Pagans wearing some sort of snake symbol on St. Patrick’s Day, instead of those green “Kiss Me I’m Irish” badges. If you’re not sure about wearing a snake on your lapel, you can always jazz up your front door with a Spring Snake Wreath instead!






Muirchertach Mac Lochlainn-'King of the Cenél nEógain.

Muircheartach Mac Lochlainn (old spelling: Muirchertach Mac Lochlainn) was king of the Cenél nEógain, Tyrone and High King of Ireland from around 1156 until his death in 1166, He succeeded Toirdhealbhach Ua Conchobhair who died in 1156.

Mac Lochlainn survived an attempt by Ruaidrí Ua Conchobair to unseat him in 1159. He failed, however, to overcome the resistance of the Cenél Conaill and the Ulaid. In 1166, to attempt to achieve a diplomatic settlement with his neighbours, Mac Lochlainn arranged a truce and took hostages from many of the families in Ulster. In return he had given a solemn oath to the Bishop of Armagh and many other notables for his good behaviour. In violation of the oath, he had Eochaid mac Con Ulad Mac Duinn Sléibe, King of Ulster, seized and blinded.

Mac Lochlainn's allies abandoned him almost at once, and he was reduced to a handful of followers. With sixteen of these closest associates, he was killed and his death attributed to the vengeance of Saint Patrick.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

~In the Grand Greed of Things~

“No business which depends for existence on paying less than living wages to its workers has any right to continue in this country.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

So, reading that, simply disgusts me, because I work for a multi-million dollar corporation, who I may soon promote with. From this promotion, I will also be demoting my pay scale, to a much smaller salary, and be living quite below the poverty level in this country. What in the hell kind of sense does this make?

How great must it be for the wealthy in this country? How boastful they are when they flaunt their labels, and their money, and their excess, and obnoxious abundance of filth. Yes, filth. How much money does one really need? How many houses do you need? Currently, Las Vegas is considered one of the "ghost towns" in our country, due to the over whelming amount of foreclosures it now harbors. It is disgusting to want a house of our own so badly...to work so hard every single damn day for it, and to drive around and see so many of them just sitting there, empty. Such a waste, such a sin. Why are they empty? Because greedy ass bankers robbed hard working Americans. Stole their homes right out from under them. It's despicable, and they should never have left. I would have squat in my home, and made them force me out.

Now, to take a promotion at my job, I am being low balled, told I will be taking a pay cut, a much, much lower pay, for a job that requires more time, more work, more responsibility, and much more stress. This company holds 15 resorts, and gaming no less, but for some reason, will pay me less than they pay a person who washes dishes. Not saying that position is less important, or less in stature, but in management, to pay less than what you are worth or should receive, well, no wonder. No wonder they are in the situation they are in. No wonder nothing gets done. No wonder nothing is working, no training is being done, no supplies are ordered, no fucking wonder. Who the hell would care about quality, and doing a better job when they are being paid less than the people they are supervising? Is anyone paying attention?

A 15 machine tavern will take in, on a weekly basis, an average of $5000, per machine. This is at an average local tavern, such as I managed before, with a small restaurant attached. Most have 15 machine bars, the machines being video poker. The machines are a 60/40 split, which means automatically, 60% of the take goes to the Gaming Company that you lease the machine's from. You never actually own your machines, per the Nevada Gaming License. This is how they manage to still regulate and control the gaming, plus get a slice. Okay, so still, 40% of that....do the math. That's a decent take. On a weekly basis, you are now talking $75,000. 40% of that is $30,000. This is before liquor, food, any kind of revenue. Just gaming alone. Let's say, for arguments sake, you had a slow week, and only did $40,000- your take is $16,000. Okay, so, just that, is still a shit load of money for ONE WEEK, yes? Okay, now, put that on a scale of a major casino. How many machines? How many tables?  Just soak that in. I'll wait....

So, anyway, it's frustrating. Oprah has like, what, 5 houses. What's the purpose of that? A purse that cost's more than a car. What's the point in that? Stilettos that cost hundreds of dollars, and then, this is funny, they can hardly walk in the damn things. What the hell? I understand some things, but wasting money, I just don't get. I don't mind working hard, but not being paid properly, I just don't get. Greed, that pisses me off. I see people and their sorry ass greed every day, and it makes me just sick. They would really walk over their own mother to get another dollar, and I don't understand that. What drives a person to that point? Do they understand that all of that "stuff" can be taken away? All of that "stuff" isn't making them happy at all. I mean, have they really stepped back and taken a really good look at themselves or their life recently? Most of them are truly unhappy individuals, and I would bet they would say they are glorious with joy.

Carl and I work really hard. We don't go out much, if ever, and we don't have any silly debt, no credit cards, no foolish purchases. We stay to ourselves, and the only time we have made major purchases is to get furniture, our wedding rings, and our honeymoon. If we spend money, we want to have something to show for it. It makes things very difficult at times, because we are careful, and still struggle. This promotion thing is keeping me up because I know that in the long run, it will benefit us, but now, to take such a cut, and make us suffer, is something I just can't bare. I don't know if I am willing to do that. It's not fair to give hope, but to also destroy it at the same time. In many ways, this entire hotel has really taken a lot from me. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's like a giant suckubus...LOL. Maybe that's my answer. Just not to be there...because I don't need that shit.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

~And a side of sarcasm for free~

So going into work this morning, I stopped in to Starbucks to get coffee, and this is what I am greeted with


~Yes, Penny & Carl, customers of the week, how nice! Anyway, lets not get distracted...(but it was a great way to start off a morning, knowing that you are loved) So...I get in the truck, start the agonizing journey towards work, listening to the daily drone of a morning show that is usually filled with crap about morons in the entertainment industry, gossip, the mundane of this and that, when this interesting story comes into play, and sparks not only my attention, but interest, and hence, my speed dial, and, ta da! Hello, I'm on the radio!

So, apparently there is this brilliant man who decided he is sick and tired....this deserves repeating....SICK AND TIRED...of going out to eat and having his meal disrupted by misbehaved and unruly and, lets just say it, pain in the ass brats, who ruin the entire experience, SO......he has come up with the idea for, wait for it~

A restaurant that is completely child free~ (insert parting of clouds and angels singing here)

Now, before all of the stupid, ranting parents hopped on the radio to begin their nonsense, some of the more intelligent adults got some words in, and lets just say, it was great. I loved every minute of it. I immediately dialed the phone. I don't usually want to participate in such things, but being that I actually work in this industry, and know first hand what it is like to deal with this situation on a daily basis, not just when dining out, I felt I could actually add some perspective to the discussion that might help. I dialed the number, believing I would never get through, but did, on the first try, and to my surprise, the man answering was delighted at my comments, and when I told him that I not only thought this guy was brilliant, but I wanted to WORK for him, lol, the man said, please hold, we are gonna get you on the air, I laughed and said okay. Holding, I could hear the conversation going on, and then it happened. The first protestor.

"Not only will I never go to this place, but I plan to picket and do everything possible to put it out of business." Really? That's your plan? Hilarious. You have nothing better to do with your time? Have you not heard of McDonalds? Chuck E Cheese? A billion other places that are kid friendly? You merely want to picket this place simply because he said you "can't" go there with your kid? You can't take your kid to a strip bar either, do you picket those establishments too? What an idiot. This moron even admitted, on air, that his kid was unruly, misbehaved, a bad kid. Um, what? LOL. Do you understand what a problem your child is? Do you understand that your kid causes issues of safety when you take him out? "oh its so adorable when little Brandon runs into the kitchen to try to help". Oh, it's not so "adorable" when little Brandon runs into a server with a full tray of food, knocks him over and gets third degree burns, and now your idiotic ass wants to sue the restaurant, plus the server is hurt, and so on....

People are stupid. People are fools. Let me tell you, it's not fun when your BRAT is throwing food at us when we are trying to do our job. Where do you work? Cause I want to come to your job, bring some little four year old, and mess with you in the middle of a serious, very important meeting, let him color all over a really important presentation, or throw a juice cup all over your computer, or maybe disrupt your business meeting and scream at the top of his lungs while you try to close a multi-million dollar deal that your job depends on. How funny is it now?

When my parents took us out to eat, we didn't speak. I mean it. The most that we were allowed to say was please and thank you. Yes Ma'am, No sir, that's about it. Sure, people today say, "oh my goodness, that is just too much, too strict. Uh, no. It's called manners. It's called teaching your kids how to....um, what's that word, what is it....oh yeah, BEHAVE. Parents don't do their job anymore. All this crap about, "we let Billy make his own decisions" is bullshit. Your his mother, its your damn job to make decisions for him. When they are 3, they don't know what they are going to do 5 minutes from now, let alone if sprite or milk is the proper choice. Stop staring at your damn Blackberry and pay attention to your kid. What in the hell happened? I mean, the 80's really killed parenting. Seriously, all of this "time out" crap....I mean really, think about it. Has anyone paid attention to the youth lately? Most of the kids that grew up with my kids are really screwed up. You know which one's made it? The ones who got their butts whooped, and the ones who had parents that talked to them.

So, if you are upset that you can't go to this guys restaurant, get over it. Really, because there are plenty of other places to go and take your brat, and ruin the dining experience for everyone there. I am sure he won't be loosing any sleep over your protest and in all honesty, your exactly the type he is looking to avoid anyway, so in his defense, "Thank you, and drive thru".

Thursday, July 7, 2011

~Retrospective and Letting Go~

I haven't had much time to write on here lately, and because of that, there is a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Some of this may seem a little random, and some of the paragraphs may seems to bounce around a little...so just try to hang on for the ride on this one. :-)

Changes are coming a little too quickly in this household right now, and I am really trying to hold it together for my Fam Bam. I know that they are looking to me, like I am the faithful bottle of Elmers glue, holding us all together, and inside of my head, I am freaking out, because I have no idea what is the best course of action right now. We need to move, I have been asked to promote, and the consideration came from out of absolutely no where, and completely unexpected, which makes the decision that much harder. My son has found himself in a sudden position of changing employment, which honestly, he wanted to do any damn way, so I, being the Mom, am trying to be supportive as possible, and not giving him any grief at all about, because he hated that stupid, disgusting job as it was. I really try hard to put things into perspective, and not freak out over stuff like that. In my mind, my rational way of thinking is, "he is living with Carl and I at the moment, so, he has a roof over his head, he has saved all of his money, he can get another job, we are a family, we are all healthy, safe, together.....I WOULD NEVER DO WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME"

So, this thing with me moving up at my job. This is really confusing. If I go back into the management thing...yeah. Lets break this down. First of all....they don't pay shit. This is not a joke. It's not a union position, and there is no way around this. Where I am now, frustrates the hell out of me, because I am treated like crap every single day, I come home feeling like I have been hit by a truck, and I can barely walk. I am so tired all the time, I have no energy to do anything at all. The physical aspect of it is just ridiculous, and it doesn't have to be that way, it's just that they don't have a damn thing organized there, and they are taking any steps to correct anything, so it's not likely to get better anytime soon. Hence, my interview yesterday with the Director of Restaurants. This was a surprising conversation to say the least. I have already completed my interview with the General Manager of the restaurant that they want me to transfer to, and my second interview, where I met with the room Chef, and Assistant Chef and Assistant Manager that also work there. This group of people were very nice, extremely kind, asked me tons of questions, and were not shy at all about their eagerness to have me come work with them to help improve their situation in this restaurant. I have experience with training and coaching of staff, and they seem to need this. The Director called me into his office for the "final" sit down to go over some things, and some of his questions were quite surprising to say the least. I will say that I have the utmost respect for this man. He is professional, courteous, gracious, and kind. He is caring of his employees, down to every single position, and does not feel that he is superior in anyway. He genuinely wants to make things better, not just for the company, but for the employee's, for the guests. He has sincerity. This decision is going to be rough. He was honest and upfront, and knowing that taking this position may mean that financially, Carl and I will be suffering for awhile, dammit, this is a horrible decision to struggle with. This man almost tried to talk me out of it because he said he would not allow me to make my family suffer if that would be the case, but that he really needed someone like me to help him with the huge problems that he was faced with....and trust...there are some really big problems going on there.

I HATE ramen noodles....

Have I said recently how much I really love Carl? Because I do...even though I am stressed more than I have been in years, and I am struggling with a very, very difficult decision, that I don't want to make right now, and I know that I need to do this, I know he will be supportive, I just want to put it out there that I love and appreciate him. See, one lesson that is very important that I learned a few years back is that pain must be discarded. This is something that many people that I love dearly have not yet learned, and I don't know how to help them, and it hurts me as well, to see them still carrying it with them, to see how it weighs on them. I have found that when hard times come now to Carl and I, we get through them because there is all of this free space to help shelter the fear, the questions, the pondering, the stress......is this making sense? I used to have all of this built up angst and pain and anger from years of neglect and abuse from my mother. No explanation is really needed, especially if you know me, but lets just say, she really wasn't a fan of me from day one, meaning my birth. Anyway, after that, I found myself in a "not so fairytale like" marriage, and that compounded into even more angst and pain, and hence, I had trust issues. LOL, understatement, I had anger, I had "what in the hell did I ever do to this world" questions. I still find myself, at times, thinking this very thought, but I am so much better than I ever was. I came to a point in my life where I discovered how to forgive, how to let go. Now, some people say that they have done this, but this is not the case. It is far, far from the truth, and it is because they cannot let go, that they bring the pain to other areas of their life, and they themselves don't even realize it.

My Grandmother Webster passed away, and when this happened, I was traumatized. I was so hurt, I really thought that my heart had exploded. Death had never affected me in that manner. I never lost my emotions in that way as I did the moment that my cousin came to the top of the stairs, and we just embraced and cried, and cried, and cried......

Later that afternoon, my parents sat in the living room with the rest of the family arguing over various issues, and I was so horribly embarrassed to be related to them, that I realized that not only did I need to separate myself from them in every single possible way that I could, but I forgave my mother for all of her idiotic behavior, her cruelty, her insolence, her abusive parenting, because I began to realize how sad it must be to have no real love. I almost pitied them. How sad of an existence, to have  no family, no friends, and to have such a farce of a marriage. My father was never faithful. He stayed with her out of pity. I always said that. No one believed me. They all said he truly loved her, yet right after she died, he ran right out, got a new woman, and straight away got married to her. Why harbor anger against such pitiful people? So, my point here is that when you have pain that comes from people who have hurt you in the past, blow that shit out. Yes it sucks, and yes it hurts, but you must let it go. It serves absolutely no purpose what so ever to keep it with you. If you keep it with you, you allow them to win. Why in the hell are you doing that? Why? I don't understand that. When people say to me that I am still angry at my mom, I laugh...NO, I am not. I let that go years ago. A picture of my Mom doesn't bother me, why in the hell should it? Makes no fucking sense at all. That is allowing a shadow to have power over my life. I am in control of my life now.....ME. God Dammit, I spent too much time wasted....being scared, being hit, being hurt. If anyone reading this understands....or is allowing this to happen to them, you better knock it off now. Really. You have the ability to make your life what you want. Don't be so pathetic that you allow another human being to ruin your happiness. Take your life back. It belongs to you. It was a lesson I learned the hard way....

I found out because I found Carl <3 I also found out that loving someone truly means that you don't loose yourself. Loving someone means that you remain the same. That whole "Two become one"....yeah....I don't like that. That means that one person gives up...one person FORGETS who they are. That's not right. When Carl and I got married, it was in our vows that we were joining together as two souls, but as two people together. Not as two become one. RESPECT. I support him, he supports me. If we make a decision, we make it together, we stick to that decision, together. You don't have to change yourself because you love another. This is where people always, always make the biggest mistake. This is where people always, always screw up. Dating, they are always on their best behavior, then they move in together, and all hell breaks loose. Get married, and oh my hell, why does he act like this? Why? Because neither of you were honest from the start. Carl and I had no intention of going this far from the beginning...lol. We made that clear to each other, so we were really comfortable right from the start, and truth be told, we made it clear we were going to be honest with each other, and guess what? It works. :-)


A "friend" who only needed me when it was convenient for selfish reasons, or to gain attention, was becoming too much weight, too much maintenance. Me, me, me is just not a friend, and if its a cheerleader that someone wants, well, go join a football team. I don't understand a person who has to constantly be told that they are "brilliant" or "pretty" or flaunted over, or whatever. That is plain insecurity, nothing more. Get your shit together. You don't need me for a friend, you need therapy. After disguarding the friendship on Facebook, but not my relatives or friends, don't text me, trying to act like nothing is wrong, then pout when I don't respond with little hearts and rainbows either. Put down the Xanax, and grow the hell up. This isn't 7th grade, sunshine. Rule number one....don't fuck with my husband bitch.

So....let's see, I don't know if there is anything else that was really on my mind at the moment, but if there is, I will hop back on. I really want to try to write, in a serious manner. Not just as a blog. I know when I hop on here, it's just thoughts, and this and that, but I am going to work on that. :-)