Two Cent's in your Mail

Thursday, July 7, 2011

~Retrospective and Letting Go~

I haven't had much time to write on here lately, and because of that, there is a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Some of this may seem a little random, and some of the paragraphs may seems to bounce around a just try to hang on for the ride on this one. :-)

Changes are coming a little too quickly in this household right now, and I am really trying to hold it together for my Fam Bam. I know that they are looking to me, like I am the faithful bottle of Elmers glue, holding us all together, and inside of my head, I am freaking out, because I have no idea what is the best course of action right now. We need to move, I have been asked to promote, and the consideration came from out of absolutely no where, and completely unexpected, which makes the decision that much harder. My son has found himself in a sudden position of changing employment, which honestly, he wanted to do any damn way, so I, being the Mom, am trying to be supportive as possible, and not giving him any grief at all about, because he hated that stupid, disgusting job as it was. I really try hard to put things into perspective, and not freak out over stuff like that. In my mind, my rational way of thinking is, "he is living with Carl and I at the moment, so, he has a roof over his head, he has saved all of his money, he can get another job, we are a family, we are all healthy, safe, together.....I WOULD NEVER DO WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME"

So, this thing with me moving up at my job. This is really confusing. If I go back into the management thing...yeah. Lets break this down. First of all....they don't pay shit. This is not a joke. It's not a union position, and there is no way around this. Where I am now, frustrates the hell out of me, because I am treated like crap every single day, I come home feeling like I have been hit by a truck, and I can barely walk. I am so tired all the time, I have no energy to do anything at all. The physical aspect of it is just ridiculous, and it doesn't have to be that way, it's just that they don't have a damn thing organized there, and they are taking any steps to correct anything, so it's not likely to get better anytime soon. Hence, my interview yesterday with the Director of Restaurants. This was a surprising conversation to say the least. I have already completed my interview with the General Manager of the restaurant that they want me to transfer to, and my second interview, where I met with the room Chef, and Assistant Chef and Assistant Manager that also work there. This group of people were very nice, extremely kind, asked me tons of questions, and were not shy at all about their eagerness to have me come work with them to help improve their situation in this restaurant. I have experience with training and coaching of staff, and they seem to need this. The Director called me into his office for the "final" sit down to go over some things, and some of his questions were quite surprising to say the least. I will say that I have the utmost respect for this man. He is professional, courteous, gracious, and kind. He is caring of his employees, down to every single position, and does not feel that he is superior in anyway. He genuinely wants to make things better, not just for the company, but for the employee's, for the guests. He has sincerity. This decision is going to be rough. He was honest and upfront, and knowing that taking this position may mean that financially, Carl and I will be suffering for awhile, dammit, this is a horrible decision to struggle with. This man almost tried to talk me out of it because he said he would not allow me to make my family suffer if that would be the case, but that he really needed someone like me to help him with the huge problems that he was faced with....and trust...there are some really big problems going on there.

I HATE ramen noodles....

Have I said recently how much I really love Carl? Because I do...even though I am stressed more than I have been in years, and I am struggling with a very, very difficult decision, that I don't want to make right now, and I know that I need to do this, I know he will be supportive, I just want to put it out there that I love and appreciate him. See, one lesson that is very important that I learned a few years back is that pain must be discarded. This is something that many people that I love dearly have not yet learned, and I don't know how to help them, and it hurts me as well, to see them still carrying it with them, to see how it weighs on them. I have found that when hard times come now to Carl and I, we get through them because there is all of this free space to help shelter the fear, the questions, the pondering, the this making sense? I used to have all of this built up angst and pain and anger from years of neglect and abuse from my mother. No explanation is really needed, especially if you know me, but lets just say, she really wasn't a fan of me from day one, meaning my birth. Anyway, after that, I found myself in a "not so fairytale like" marriage, and that compounded into even more angst and pain, and hence, I had trust issues. LOL, understatement, I had anger, I had "what in the hell did I ever do to this world" questions. I still find myself, at times, thinking this very thought, but I am so much better than I ever was. I came to a point in my life where I discovered how to forgive, how to let go. Now, some people say that they have done this, but this is not the case. It is far, far from the truth, and it is because they cannot let go, that they bring the pain to other areas of their life, and they themselves don't even realize it.

My Grandmother Webster passed away, and when this happened, I was traumatized. I was so hurt, I really thought that my heart had exploded. Death had never affected me in that manner. I never lost my emotions in that way as I did the moment that my cousin came to the top of the stairs, and we just embraced and cried, and cried, and cried......

Later that afternoon, my parents sat in the living room with the rest of the family arguing over various issues, and I was so horribly embarrassed to be related to them, that I realized that not only did I need to separate myself from them in every single possible way that I could, but I forgave my mother for all of her idiotic behavior, her cruelty, her insolence, her abusive parenting, because I began to realize how sad it must be to have no real love. I almost pitied them. How sad of an existence, to have  no family, no friends, and to have such a farce of a marriage. My father was never faithful. He stayed with her out of pity. I always said that. No one believed me. They all said he truly loved her, yet right after she died, he ran right out, got a new woman, and straight away got married to her. Why harbor anger against such pitiful people? So, my point here is that when you have pain that comes from people who have hurt you in the past, blow that shit out. Yes it sucks, and yes it hurts, but you must let it go. It serves absolutely no purpose what so ever to keep it with you. If you keep it with you, you allow them to win. Why in the hell are you doing that? Why? I don't understand that. When people say to me that I am still angry at my mom, I laugh...NO, I am not. I let that go years ago. A picture of my Mom doesn't bother me, why in the hell should it? Makes no fucking sense at all. That is allowing a shadow to have power over my life. I am in control of my life now.....ME. God Dammit, I spent too much time wasted....being scared, being hit, being hurt. If anyone reading this understands....or is allowing this to happen to them, you better knock it off now. Really. You have the ability to make your life what you want. Don't be so pathetic that you allow another human being to ruin your happiness. Take your life back. It belongs to you. It was a lesson I learned the hard way....

I found out because I found Carl <3 I also found out that loving someone truly means that you don't loose yourself. Loving someone means that you remain the same. That whole "Two become one"....yeah....I don't like that. That means that one person gives person FORGETS who they are. That's not right. When Carl and I got married, it was in our vows that we were joining together as two souls, but as two people together. Not as two become one. RESPECT. I support him, he supports me. If we make a decision, we make it together, we stick to that decision, together. You don't have to change yourself because you love another. This is where people always, always make the biggest mistake. This is where people always, always screw up. Dating, they are always on their best behavior, then they move in together, and all hell breaks loose. Get married, and oh my hell, why does he act like this? Why? Because neither of you were honest from the start. Carl and I had no intention of going this far from the We made that clear to each other, so we were really comfortable right from the start, and truth be told, we made it clear we were going to be honest with each other, and guess what? It works. :-)

A "friend" who only needed me when it was convenient for selfish reasons, or to gain attention, was becoming too much weight, too much maintenance. Me, me, me is just not a friend, and if its a cheerleader that someone wants, well, go join a football team. I don't understand a person who has to constantly be told that they are "brilliant" or "pretty" or flaunted over, or whatever. That is plain insecurity, nothing more. Get your shit together. You don't need me for a friend, you need therapy. After disguarding the friendship on Facebook, but not my relatives or friends, don't text me, trying to act like nothing is wrong, then pout when I don't respond with little hearts and rainbows either. Put down the Xanax, and grow the hell up. This isn't 7th grade, sunshine. Rule number one....don't fuck with my husband bitch.

So....let's see, I don't know if there is anything else that was really on my mind at the moment, but if there is, I will hop back on. I really want to try to write, in a serious manner. Not just as a blog. I know when I hop on here, it's just thoughts, and this and that, but I am going to work on that. :-)

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