Two Cent's in your Mail

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

~ Shieldmaiden, Chef, Animal Rescuer, and Mom...all made sense finally~

 For so much of my life, I seemed to have the same traits that I could not deny, nor shake no matter how much I tried to fight them. Many that have known me have often teased me, or tried to ask me why I can't seem to have only 1 dog, or why I always seem to cook for 30 people, even if only 4 are coming to dinner. Why is it that I can be in a room with 100 people and certain individuals in that room will be drawn to me, and instantly tell me their life stories, confess personal, intimate details to me, and often, become close. longtime friends. Also, in other occasions, I can be in a public place, and another person can be next to me, and I will almost instantly feel very uncomfortable and need to move away, move closer to my husband, or want to get up and leave. I will feel like I am in some kind of danger, or nauseous, or my skin will begin to itch. I have often been so confused by this, like something is very wrong with me. I have been introduced to people, and liked them almost immediately, knowing very little of them. Then again, there have been others, and I have known right away that I don't care for them, that there is something about their character that is very wrong, and I will be quiet, and know that no matter what, I simply cannot, and will not trust them. I do not like these feelings, and for so long I have kept it to myself.

Then, I found this article, and read it, and it really was like the person who wrote it was speaking directly to me. It was surreal, and at the same time, comforting. I was reading it and saying, "Oh my hell, I do that all of the time" and, "Is that why I feel like that?". Then, I sent it to my husband, and told him to read it. He sat there, and kept looking at me. He kept pausing, asking if the author knew me personally. It was amusing, but also a huge relief. It is almost like having an epiphany, or a moment when you first realize that you have figured out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Not as profound maybe, but to finally make sense of things that have happened to you, and have validity attached to them, well, it does indeed have a wonderful emotion that can't really be described. 

The following is the article that was sent to me from a friend. 
30 traits of an Empath (How to know if you’re an Empath)
By: Christel Broederlow
What is an empath?
Being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others.  Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods.  Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions.  Empaths can perceive physical sensitivities and spiritual urges, as well as just knowing the motivations and intentions of other people.  You either are an empath or you aren’t.  It’s not a trait that is learned.  You are always open, so to speak, to process other people’s feelings and energy, which means that you really feel, and in many cases take on the emotions of others.  Many empaths experience things like chronic fatigue, environmental sensitivities, or unexplained aches and pains daily.  These are all things that are more likely to be contributed to outside influences and not so much yourself at all.  Essentially you are walking around in this world with all of the accumulated karma, emotions, and energy from others.
Empaths are often quiet achievers. They can take a while to handle a compliment for they’re more inclined to point out another’s positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times quite frankly. They may have few problems talking about their feelings if another cares to listen (regardless of how much they listen to others).
However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at “blocking out” others and that’s not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.
Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.
Empaths are more inclined to pick up another’s feelings and project it back without realizing its origin in the first place. Talking things out is a major factor in releasing emotions in the learning empath. Empaths can develop an even stronger degree of understanding so that they can find peace in most situations. The downside is that empaths may bottle up emotions and build barriers sky-high so as to not let others know of their innermost thoughts and/or feelings. This withholding of emotional expression can be a direct result of a traumatic experience, an expressionless upbringing, or simply being told as a child, “Children are meant to be seen and not heard!”
Without a doubt, this emotional withholding can be detrimental to one’s health, for the longer one’s thoughts and/or emotions aren’t released, the more power they build. The thoughts and/or emotions can eventually becoming explosive, if not crippling. The need to express oneself honestly is a form of healing and a choice open to all. To not do so can result in a breakdown of the person and result in mental/emotional instability or the creation of a physical ailment, illness or disease.
Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and may have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another’s ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.
You will find empaths working with people, animals or nature with a true passion and dedication to help them. They are often tireless teachers and/or caretakers for our environment and all within it. Many volunteers are empathic and give up personal time to help others without pay and/or recognition.
Empaths may be excellent storytellers due to an endless imagination, inquisitive minds and ever-expanding knowledge. They can be old romantics at heart and very gentle. They may also be the “keepers” of ancestral knowledge and family history. If not the obvious family historians, they may be the ones who listen to the stories passed down and possess the majority of the family history. Not surprisingly, they may have started or possess a family tree.
They have a broad interest in music to suit their many expressive temperaments, and others can query how empaths can listen to one style of music, and within minutes, change to something entirely different. Lyrics within a song can have adverse, powerful effects on empaths, especially if it is relevant to a recent experience. In these moments, it is advisable for empaths to listen to music without lyrics, to avoid playing havoc with their emotions!
They are just as expressive with body language as with words, thoughts, and feelings. Their creativity is often expressed through dance, acting, and bodily movements. Empaths can project an incredible amount of energy portraying and/or releasing emotion. Empaths can become lost in the music, to the point of being in a trance-like state; they become one with the music through the expression of their physical bodies. They describe this feeling as a time when all else around them is almost non-existent.
People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet!
Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. Then again, for empaths, it is always nice to actually be heard themselves!
Here are the listeners of life. They can be outgoing, bubbly, enthusiastic and a joy to be in the presence of, as well as highly humorous at the most unusual moments! On the flip side, empaths can be weighted with mood swings that will have others around them want to jump overboard and abandon ship! The thoughts and feelings empaths receive from any and all in their life can be so overwhelming (if not understood) that their moods can fluctuate with lightning speed. One moment they may be delightfully happy and with a flick of the switch, miserable.
Abandoning an empath in the throes of alternating moods can create detrimental effects. A simple return of empathic love–listening and caring compassionately without bias, judgment and/or condemnation–can go an incredibly long way to an empath’s instant recovery. Many empaths don’t understand what is occurring within them. They literally have no idea that another person’s emotions are now felt, as one’s own and reflected outwardly. They are confused as to how one moment all was well, and then the next, they feel so depressed, alone, etc. The need to understand the possibilities of empath connection is a vital part of the empaths journey for themselves and for those around them.
Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one – if only for peace of mind. This can certainly prove beneficial for others in their relationships, in the workplace, or on the home front. Where there is a will, there is a way and the empath will find it. The empath can literally (likely without the knowledge of what’s actually occurring) tap into Universal Knowledge and be receptive to guidance in solving anything they put their head and hearts into.
Empaths often are vivid and/or lucid dreamers. They can dream in detail and are inquisitive of dream content. Often they feel as though the dreams are linked to their physical life somehow, and not just a mumble of nonsensical, irrelevant, meaningless images. This curiosity will lead many empathic dreamers to unravel some of the “mysterious” dream contents from an early age and connect the interpretation to its relevance in their physical life. If not, they may be led to dream interpretations through other means.
Empaths are daydreamers with difficulty keeping focused on the mundane. If life isn’t stimulating, off an empath will go into a detached state of mind. They will go somewhere, anywhere, in a thought that appears detached from the physical reality, yet is alive and active for they really are off and away. If a tutor is lecturing with little to no emotional input, empaths will not be receptive to such teaching and can (unintentionally) drift into a state of daydreaming.
Give the empath student the tutor who speaks with stimuli and emotion (through actual experience of any given subject) and the empath is receptively alert. Empaths are a captivated audience. This same principle applies in acting. An actor will either captivate the audience through expressing (in all aspects) emotions (as though they really did experience the role they are portraying) or will loose them entirely. Empaths make outstanding actors.
Empaths frequently experience déjà vu and synchronicities. What may initially start as, “Oh, what a coincidence”, will lead to the understanding of synchronicities as an aspect of who they are. These synchronicities will become a welcomed and continually expanding occurrence. As an understanding of self grows, the synchronicities become more fluent and free flowing. The synchronicities can promote a feeling of euphoria as empaths identify with them and appreciate the connection to their empathic nature.
Empaths are most likely to have had varying paranormal experiences throughout their lives. NDE’s (Near death experiences) and or OBE’s (Out of body experiences) can catapult an unaware empath into the awakening period and provide the momentum for a journey of discovery. Those who get caught up in life, in society’s often dictating ways, in work etc., can become lost in a mechanical way of living that provides very little meaning. All “signs of guidance” are ignored to shift out of this state of “doing”. A path to being whole again becomes evident and a search for more meaning in one’s life begins.
These types of experiences appear dramatic, can be life-altering indeed, and are most assuredly just as intensely memorable in years to come. They are the voice of guidance encouraging us to pursue our journey in awareness. Sometimes, some of us require that extra assistance!
For some empaths, the lack of outside understanding towards paranormal events they experience, may lead to suppressing such abilities. (Most of these abilities are very natural and not a coincidence.) Empaths may unknowingly adopt the positive or negative attitude of others as their own. (This, however, can be overcome.) Empaths may need to follow interests in the paranormal and the unexplained with curiosity so as to explain and accept their life circumstances.
Here are 30 of the most common traits:
1. Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.
2. Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums where there are lots of people around can fill the empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.
3. Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for empaths. To some they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from great distance.
4. Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.
5. You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.
6. Picking up physical symptoms off another: An empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains) especially those they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.
7. Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an empath, will almost always be ungrounded.
8. Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an empath’s attention and compassion.
9. Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.
10. Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.
11. Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions that empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It is a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something.
12. Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many empaths would love to heal others they can end up turning away from being healers (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily. Even at the revelation of what many others would consider unthinkable, for example, empaths would have known the world was round when others believed it was flat.
13. Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.
14. Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.
15. Need for solitude: An empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.
16. Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.
17. Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many empaths get labelled as being lazy.
18. Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.
19. Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.
20. Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.
21. Abhors clutter: It makes an empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.
22. Loves to daydream: An empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.
23. Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.
24. Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.
25. Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.
26. Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.
27. The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.
28. Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.
29. Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.
30. Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.
If you can say yes to most or all of the above then you are most definitely an empath.
Empaths are having a particularly difficult time at the present time, picking up on all the negative emotions that are being emanated into the world from the populace.

 I have spent the better year and a half in a great deal of pain. I was in a job that required a great deal of physical work, and dealing with the public as well. After sometime, I was coming home almost completely stiff, and not able to move. I would pull up to our driveway, and not be able to get out of the truck. It was like my body would just shut down. I went to the doctor and they took a series of xrays which showed that my spine was turning severely to the left after the middle of my back, and that my hips were almost a full 2 inches off. The pain was truly excruciating. Eventually, I had to leave work, and wound up on FMLA, where I have been ever since. After reading the article, my husband was convinced that at least a small amount of my pain was from the job. The stress from the environment was horrific, and still is for my co workers that are still there. I know stress is truly awful for anyone, and sometimes I do wonder if it was a contributing factor to my condition. I do also know that I have had to come to some very difficult decisions over the last few months, and have had to put some distance between myself and some people that have drained me of my energy and emotions. This, has been the most difficult for me. 

 Most of my family is quite dysfunctional. On both sides, paternal and maternal, it has been very sad for me, because this one talks to this one, but this one never speaks to this one. This Aunt likes this Uncle, but this Grandparent disowned this cousin, and we are never allowed to bring up the ex husband around Grandma, or Uncle, let alone speak about my Mother. Then, it takes hours to even explain to most people my parents, and the extremely horrible relationship, or complete lack of relationship that I had with them my entire life. I learned to come to terms with it, but for the most part what I have had difficulty dealing with is overcoming the shadow of my Mother. She had very strained relationships with many, and because of that, I have often been judged immediately as "Snookies daughter" or "Tareys kid" so automatically, I am no good, evil, or of course, I will be just like her. 
I am not at all like my Mother. I know that I look like her. Of course, I look like both of my parents. I know that I laugh like my Mother. I know that I have been told that I have a very similar singing voice as she did, love music, and history. It ends there. I don't have any pictures with my Mother. For that, I am very sad. She was very sick before she passed, and no matter how strained our relationship, I never wanted her to suffer. I went to see her while she was in the hospital. She smiled, she chatted with my kids, laughed, told stories, was interested in my tattoos, what they meant, why I got them, to my surprise, and when I had to leave, asked me to please hug her goodbye. As I went to hug her, she began to cry, quite uncontrollably, and even though I knew this was probably the last time I would see her, I was very calm, and I quietly said, "Its alright, its okay, no crying. I am not mad. I am not angry at all. I love you." She said, "I love you very much. I always loved you. Your father.....your father." I said, "don't worry, it's alright". And, in that moment, I felt no sadness, no anger. I was calm. I often wondered why I didn't cry. I think that I was meant to be calm, for her. Not to cry, but to be quiet, and strong, so that she would know I was alright. That I was not broken.

Empaths run in my family on my Mothers side. She knew. She knew when I was little. My Grandmother knew. Many women throughout time have known, but it is often explained as "womens intuition" so that others will not be frightened. People are so afraid of what they do not understand. Also, it is very easy for a label to be thrown at you that is not only wrong, but ignorant, childish, outdated, ridiculous, etc. I have had people ask me what it means to be and Empath, and until I read this article, I never clearly understood it myself. I have dreams, and I have never had anyone who could guide me or teach me how to properly interpret them. I have sensed things, or "felt" certain things, but again, I never had a guide, or "tutor" if you will, to help me along. When I was younger, I had a few conversations with my Grandmother during some of her visits with us, and she had explained some things to me. I was not so fortunate to have as much time with her as I would have loved. My father was in the Air Force, and we moved around. She had so much knowledge, so much I could have learned. 
My Aunt was another family "well" that I always wanted to be able to draw from, but again, being that we lived abroad, then in another state, I didn't have the opportunity. When we did move back, the strained relationship between her and my Mother made it very difficult for me to be able to visit, talk, anything. It remained this way for years. Due to situations completely out of my control, and quite frankly, that had absolutely nothing to do with me at all, I pretty much was cut out of any chance what so ever of learning or even discovering a very interesting and intricate part of my heritage that is also a significant part of my everyday life. Its difficult not to be upset over it. Its difficult not to be hurt. Its easier to understand why my Mother felt like she had been left out as well. She only spoke of it once to me. 
It is a very common, but incorrect, theory that my Mother hated her sister. She did not. Did she have built up anger and resentment? Yes, indeed. Did it grow to be worse and worse over the years? Yes, absolutely, and it was unbearable to live with and tolerate, from both of them, from my Aunt, who still cannot let it go, to this very day, even though my Mother passed away 4 years ago. My Mother felt left out, passed over, she had resentment as well. I don't hate my cousin. I don't hate her at all. I adore her. She is adorable, hilarious, loving, intelligent, brilliant, talented....never has done anything to me, in anyway, that could make me dislike her. Does it hurt me every time that my Aunt tells me that she is a "legacy" of my family heritage? Absolutely. Does it enrage me that my Aunt insists that a family heirloom belongs to my cousin because she "sat on it" in my Grandmothers kitchen? Yes, especially because I was there, myself, in England, the very day that we picked up both of them, 1 for my parents, 1 for my Grandmother. I have no idea where my Grandmothers went, but my parents never left their home, from the time we left England, moved to Missouri, moved back to Vegas. My brothers have confirmed this as well. We used to move it up and down to the basement when we had tornadoes. Its not jealousy, it is feeling like being completely cast out, like having no voice, no vote, no say, without even having a chance to speak. A decision about this was made, even though I wasn't even consulted, asked, thought about, spoken to...nothing. My blood runs with my ancestors blood and life, and actual traits, yet, I was written off, and their legacy was passed along to another, because of a family feud that I had nothing to do with. 
Being empathic means that you feel when others are sad. You sense when those around you are tense, angry, nervous, etc. If someone is upset, and you ask, and they say they are fine, you know they are lying. It can make life very difficult. I know it has for me. I have had to remain quiet with many around me, and they think I am being antisocial. I am simply trying to deal.

I recently had to make some changes for myself. I had to block, or more or less, place a wall around myself. Somewhat of an emotional wall of protection. Empaths can be a sponge that will draw in the energy and emotions of those around them. I needed to squeeze all of that out, and let it go. Even for some of the people I love so dearly, I had to ask that they give me time to heal. Time to be strong, to relieve myself of this pain, and regain some clarity. My thoughts are clearer now, and my dreams are not so scattered and disturbing. I am not having too much insomnia, just a few nights here and there. I still wish I had the time to learn from those that could have taught me, but since I wasn't afforded that, I will be strong on my own. One thing that I do know, and that I am very certain, is that some have been very mistaken by underestimating me. I am not afraid, and I am not confused, nor am I weak by any means. I do not need reassurance, or the constant adoration either. I know, in my heart, nothing can be taken from me and given to another. It belongs to me, it has always been here, residing in my heart, my soul. It was just resting, until I had the time to work for myself. <3


Friday, June 21, 2013

~Karmas Photogenic Memory~

Being a parent is more than some realize, and it truly is more than most take seriously. There are those that believe, honestly understand in their own mind, that if they provide shelter, clothing, food, and the child doesn't grow up to be a serial killer, well, they have done their job, and deserve a big pat on the back. The responsibilities of parenting can be daunting to some, and overwhelming at times, but building a house of cards is easy, and the results gain just as much stability. Build a house of bricks, and metal, and concrete, and have a firm, solid foundation, with plans, sketches, measurements, etc, and you get a much different result. One that will stand for many years, some for hundreds of years. The effort you put in, determines the results you will receive. 

No parent has done their job with absolute perfection, and anyone that claims such is delusional. Having a child is a monumental responsibility, and one fact always seems to escape the minds of so many, and that is you are bringing up a future adult, a person that will be part of this world, and if you choose to take the easy way out, leaving your child to be taught by Xbox, television, babysitters, social media, cell phones, and their own devices, well, you have no right to complain about the results. Never more as this been so apparent in our society as it has recently. People are desensitized, cruel, cold, relentless in their desperate needs for attention, popularity, adoration, maybe even those 15 minutes of fame. Being dismissive, judgmental, callous and "brutally honest" seems to be not only acceptable, but encouraged. Often, the acts that are offensive are quickly followed with excuses, which are just as awful, when you really begin to think about it. "I was drunk", "I had a poor childhood", "I was brought up during a different time", "I have friends that are black", (or Gay, or of different faiths, whichever fits at the time)"Everyone else does it". All bullshit answers meant to detour from the truth, which is that the action, words or behavior is recognized as wrong, but.......

One thing that my parents did right for myself and my brothers, was they never taught us any form of racism at all. It never occurred to me growing up that there was any difference in my friends in their race, or their religion, or their wealth. My parents had friends of all races, all genders, backgrounds, etc, and I am quite sure that had much to do with being a military family, and I really don't care. The point is, they got this one thing right. People were just people, and I definitely grew up with this strong belief. As I got older, and became aware that some didn't feel this way, I became very aware of who I chose to surround myself with. I never cared to be in the "popular" crowd, and I was also targeted for my choices. I dated guys that I liked, and have often explained that when it came to my preferences in men, I was "an equal opportunity" type of girl. White, black, hispanic, phillipino, poor family, well off family, great family, screwed up family, it wasn't what I put as a priority when I would hang out with anyone. This of course, led to me marrying out of my own ethnic group, I guess you would say, and having 3 kids that are the most gorgeous and beautiful creatures on this planet. (Don't even attempt to argue with me on this kids are beautiful, for tons of reasons, so there.) :-)  

I made a very conscious, very determined effort from the time they were born to make it very clear, and extremely important that my children understood that prejudice, racism, hatred of those that are different, would not be tolerated. Living with their father, my biggest battle was teaching them that the use of a disgusting word, one that he used in their presence often, was not acceptable, not allowed, and not tolerated. Stopping their father was a battle I couldn't win, but I didn't raise him, and he knew of my hatred for the word, and actually, would not say it in front of me. Slipping at times, the reaction of his friends, or of he himself, was enough to realize that I made a slight amount of progress, but the true priority was that my kids knew, and that they would not partake in the use of the word. I don't, and never have used it, and even though some people who date a black person, or have friends that use the word, or those idiots that have now convinced themselves that it is okay, and cool, to use it, I still refuse to utter the word itself. To me, a person that uses the word, helps to keep its ugliness alive, and I don't want any part of that. 

"Be the change that you want to see in the world." 

The change I wanted to see in this world is that my children would grow up and not ever think about what color their skin is, what box they "have" to choose when filling out an application, what music they are "supposed" to listen to or enjoy, or that they are defined by their DNA and the pigments in their skin, but they are not defined at all. I wanted, more than anything, for them to grow up and know that they were free to be who they wanted, enjoy life to the fullest, and celebrate their eclectic heritage knowing they are the best of so many. They are the beautiful melting pot of different countries, different races, different ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and they will define their own lives, no one else. 

Bringing up children to understand that they are individuals, and never should be confined to any "label" or "stereotype" is exactly what I wanted to do. If I had any affect on them at all, I wanted, more than anything, to instill in them the confidence to ignore labels, ignore pressure to "belong", to stand out, to take risks, to find out what it is that interests them. Their beliefs are theirs. Their lives are their own to live. Then, they too, might one day decide to have children, and hopefully, they pass along this belief. 

You see, negative words, negative beliefs, hatred and fear of what we don't understand, can all go away. It really can. Just sitting by and saying, "well that is how it is" is a pathetic excuse for not trying. So many people spend so much time and effort and so much money.....ugh, disgusting amounts of money, trying to be accepted. These same people will discriminate against another, without one thought of the hypocrisy that they are living. You don't want anyone bashing on your religion? Then don't judge and discriminate on others. You don't want anyone judging you by your race? Then don't judge others by theirs, and don't use negative words in regards to race, not even your own. You are a hypocrite if you do. You don't want anyone telling you who you can marry, who you can love? Don't spend so much time trying to stop others, trying to enforce beliefs into law for ignorant assumptions. If you were plain in school, and now you have money to buy clothes, and surgery, and so many nice things, don't forget that you once were the one being bullied, and now take a long look in the mirror. You are judging people that are just LIKE YOU, just in a different time. 

Everyone is all in an uproar that a television personality was fired today from a cable network. Specifics are not being released as of yet, but some clear facts have surfaced, and this brought me to writing this today. It is not "endearing" for anyone to use racial slurs. It is not "funny" to suggest that degrading employees by dressing them up as slaves during the Civil War was a harmless idea, and thought to be a "cute" idea for a wedding reception. Tormenting a childhood playmate, who was of another race, then making light of it in a book, with the paraphrase, "I don't know why I thought it was funny, but I did it, and was punished." and forgetting to mention that your parents had the babysitter arrested and jailed because you physically attacked her daughter, but she was black, so, of course, being in Georgia, they had HER arrested. Casually testifying in a lawsuit deposition, in which you are being sued for racism, harassment, creating a hostile work environment, and saying that your use of the "N" word was alright because, well, honestly, the excuses are all bullshit. People grow up, and that is why it is pathetic, and this person deserves to be fired. This isn't 1897 anymore. Working with peers of all races, there is no way that you didn't know or weren't aware that you were being offensive. No, you are not fooling anyone. You are only attempting to apologize because you are being sued, and you want to hold on to all that money. 

"Be the change that you want to see in the world."  

Until people start taking responsibility and start making changes, this society will not evolve. Do not get upset when another uses a word that is derogatory to you if you use that word yourself. Do not thrash others beliefs if you are immediately on the defense if anyone does the same to you. Hypocrisy seems to be a common thread that is all to familiar now, and it too, needs to fade away. 

Parents, please take time to teach your children. Tolerance and acceptance will be needed in their own lives at some point or time. How can they receive it if they never allow themselves to give it back?   

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Its been awhile since I posted on my blog. There have been many things going on, and to say that I have been overwhelmed would not even begin to cover my emotions and stress. It is now down to day to day. I wake up, and the first thing that I realize is the level of pain. I hate that. I despise it. It is, however, a fact, at the moment, so I have no choice but to deal with it. The back issue was enough, but you know, my life has never been so simple, so of course, I got tossed the curve ball. A severe headache, combined with my husband and my sons reactions and concern, had me going to the ER for some relief. I didn't want to go, and was honestly having a severe anxiety attack while we were driving there. The triage nurse confirmed my worries, has he immediately began with the condesending remarks, like, "How do you know you have a migraine and not just a headache?" and "are you SURE that you have migraines, have you seen a neurologist?". All of the usual "this is a drug seeker" questions that must be endured. I understand it, because I grew up with one. However, I avoid going for a shot. I loathe shots. I would rather breathe and rock my way through the headache. This one though, had me slurring my words, taking away all of my ability to think, and I was feeling very stunned. The pain was so intense at times that I simply became idol. Meaning, no breathing, no movement, nothing. It all hurt so intensely, I just froze.

In walks the "doctor". He casually leans against the wall, and says, "So, tell me whats going on". I try, but the words just won't come out of my mouth. My husband tells him I get cluster migraines, and he responds with "cholesterol migraines?". NO, idiot, cluster. I wanted to tell him, "google it, read it, understand it, because it SUCKS". It is like have labor pains in your head, but no pause, no inbetween break. Just constant, non stop pain. He never examined me, he never came near me. He said, "so what do they usually give you?". I respond, "Toredol, and phenegran for the nausea. But the toredol never works, and it makes me feel very uneasy, and the pain doesn't leave." He nods, says, "alright". Leaves the room. A male nurse returns rather quickly, and I am surprised by that. Usually, ER rooms take forever, and when you have pain like this, even 2 minutes is eternal. He begins to prepare to give me a shot, and I ask, "what are you giving me?" He says "Dualidid for your pain". I look over to my husband, and I say, "I don't know what that is." The nurse then lifts my sleeve to give me the shot in my shoulder. I have never, and I repeat, never had a shot for my headaches in this manner. They always give me the shot in my upper hip, or in an IV, with saline, which helps hydrate me quickly. This too, helps the headache, since all of the throwing up means I can't even keep down water. Nope, this sadist slams this shot into my shoulder, and hit.

Now, I have had relative
ly severe pain on different occasions in my life. My husband is always saying how high my pain tolerance is, and I myself, don't know if that is true or not. I don't know if it is tolerence, or just adjustment. If it is there, well, there really aren't many options, so, I deal. This pain, however, was something I had never experience in my life. It hit so severely, and was debilitating. I was stunned. It began to move down my arm, and not just burn, but felt like I had been stabbed, and my arm was being ripped off of my body, inch by inch. I cried, and I mean, wailed in a way that shocked myself, and my husband. The nurse didn't say anything, just wiped the cotton swab, left the room. I continued to cry, and I mean loudly. I was what I refer to at times as "snot bubble crying". That heaving, horrible cry that any listener knows is serious. I couldn't move my arm. I couldn't understand why a shot would hurt like that. It took me a few minutes to calm down, and be able to breathe without hyperventilating. I asked my husband what the hell just happened? I asked him to google the shot, because I had never heard of it, and now I was worried. They always return in about 10 mintues to check for any allergic reactions, but this nurse......never came back. The doctor, never came back.

Google is a occurring joke in our home, and I can't deny its usefulness. Upon searching out this shot, we discovered that Dualidid is a synthetic form of Morphine, only much stronger. People posting their reactions to this medication state that they got "instant relief" along with "I don't remember anything, I passed out immediately" and "this worked so well for my broken leg" and stuff like this. I was still in agony. I felt nothing, no relief in my headache pain, and my arm was hanging, useless, and throbbing. More reading lead to discovering that the medication is to be administered in and IV, diluted with saline. Yeah, now the panic sets in. Further reading led to discovering that people who have recieved injections improperly have not only had the pain I was experiencing, but damage. Damage to the muscle, the tendon, the nerves, and the damage was not temporary. Long term, permanent, chronic, all of the words that you never want to hear.

Our furious exit, after being openly offered "any prescription you want" from the "doctor", we went home, having received no relief for my headache, but added pain in my arm. It subsided after about an hour, and I tried my best to sleep. Fast forward to about three days later. I awake to a pain in my arm. Limited movement. I can't put on my shirt, brush my hair, I can't scratch my damn nose. Great.

I send an email to the hospital. I file a form with VAERS, for improper injections, and now, it has been over 8 weeks. Every morning I wake up hoping this has run its course, and that is dissolved immediately. It is now a pain that is constant, not just when I move my arm in certain ways or positions. I am having so much trouble sleeping, even if I use a sleeping pill, or hot tea, or all of the methods common to assist in a good nights sleep. Maybe, if I am lucky, I get 2 hours in a row. I am woken up with the pain, and have to administer more Sombra. This is a topical cream with a slight amount of heat, and a little numbing solution. It is, of course, a temporary fix. I use it on my lower back, first thing in the morning, and right before bed, and it helps tremendously. My arm however, is pretty much getting more severe. I have tried stretches, ice, heat, massaging it, everything I can think of.

Being in constant pain, makes you very cranky. No matter how happy you wake up, the pain is a constant reminder that today, I won't be able to reach into the cabinet for a coffee cup, not with this arm anyway. If I try to get up off of the couch, I can't use my left arm, or the pain is so searing, I am stopped in my tracks. Even now, just sitting here, typing, I have had to stop, about 4 times to walk around, try to move my arm, rub the shoulder, because the pain is intense today. I am going slowly insane, being so debilitated. I can't go to the doctor, because my wonderful job is not reporting my hours to culinary for my FMLA, that THEY requested I obtain for my leave. I did so, I had to pay the doctor for it, and they are NOT reporting my hours to culinary, which now resulted in culinary stopping our insurance coverage. Now, I am left without insurance, income, movement, pain relief.......options are gone.

Stress is not good for anyone, least of all a person who is injured or sick. It does not help the healing process. I have absolutely no idea how to solve any of these. Applying for disability has been stalled, because my job is absolutely ridiculous, and pretty much just being difficult so they can have a reason to let me go. I can't go to the doctor, I can't exercise much, I can't, I can't, I am at the end.

Anger, frustration, depression, isolation, fear, anxiety, stress.....small moments of comfort when I am covered with our pups, that constantly want love and attention. They seem to sense when the pain is more intense, and I feel horrible on days when I stay in bed, because they remain with me. They lay all around me, patient and attentive to my every move. Even when I need to take it very slowly to get out of bed to go downstairs and let them outside, they stay right beside me, watching me, stepping next to me. They look up at me with those eyes, like they understand, but don't know what to do either.

I have never been in this situation. I have never been at home for so long, no work, no ability to do what is needed. I feel useless and pathetic. I feel alone. I know I am not, but it doesn't do much good to answer the constant, "how do you feel today?" because I feel the same. It never seems to end, or get slightly better, and lets face it, who wants to hear that all of the time? I certainly don't. I look to future days with a sense of dread and despair. This is a new area for me. I always say, "don't worry about me, I always bounce". I think my bounce is drained and gone now.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

~Ready to Vanish~

Gloat-Contemplate or dwell on one's own success or another's misfortune with malignant pleasure:

I am so sick of everyone. The past few months have been challenging, to say the least. Putting all of my physical pain aside, the emotional damage that has been done is almost irreversible.  People I have known almost my entire life have lost their ever loving minds. I have been lied too, when there was absolutely NO FUCKING REASON for the lie. I have been belittled and talked to in such condescending manners by fake people that "oooooooh" and "aaaahhhhh" over silly things, then turn around and GLOAT over their abundance, their excess of stuff....stuff that still hasn't made them happy. I have watched one of my dearest and most cherished friends over come obstacle after obstacle, and when that friend sucked it up, and asked for LIED to.

What the hell happened to morals? Why is it that everyone thinks they have this gray area in manners, respect and compassion because it is them? Why is it that people that love you are constantly putting in their two cents about how "you should get surgery" or "you should do this, you will look better" or "keep working so you can have more money". Yeah, that last one....fuck me sideways. I did. I kept working, even though I was in horrible pain every single moment. I numbed myself with meds to get through the shift, and now? Now, I am fucked. I will have this pain for the rest of my life....and it is a harsh reality. Money doesn't buy happiness or take away physical damage.

I don't hide anything. Our family has been through the wringer, seven times over. My life has not been perfect, and mistakes have been made. Arguments, harsh words, life changing events, good times, bad times, happiness, etc....all have taken place. I don't brag about any good that happens, because I know how it feels when we are going through a rough spot, and someone else is bragging about something in their life. It is foul, it is insensitive. I don't believe in being fake. It must be exhausting. Living to impress everyone else.

I am officially withdrawing from all of it. I am getting used to the silence and the peace of being isolated. Since I have been hurt, I can count on one hand how many "family and friends" have called to check on me. Priorities are in order, and I am quite comfortable looking at it all and realizing, I made mistakes when it came to letting people in.

Won't happen....ever.....again. Much love and luck to everyone. I sincerely mean that.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hypocrisy is an art form

There are many reasons why I love this show. The above clip is just one. It is relevant now, because it seems that people have lost the ability to see the difference between facts, and sensationalized television. Those responsible for what we see and hear on television have essentially sold their souls for ratings, for air time from sponsors, for money. It no longer matters if you spout out lies on live television, because they will just hop on later and "retract" the lie. How is this being responsible and honest? It's already out there. You can't take it back, because people BELIEVE what is said and what they read in newspapers, magazines, on the internet. Remember the days when the National Enquirer was full of Bigfoot and UFO sightings? People laughed, mocked, made jokes about those that would even begin to believe these stories. Our entire nation has become this mass of hysteria, sensationalism, "reality" tv junkies, and lost all sense of intelligence, rationalism, and humanity.

You simply cannot just live now. You have to have a side, a label, a choice. You can't just be here, and make up your own mind, and sometime, understand this, or decide that is what makes sense. No, you MUST choose. People would rather go around protecting those that lie, rather than simply say, "that's not accurate, that's not true". Peer pressure? Geez us, it has surpassed peer pressure by miles. You can no longer say, "I believe this" without being mocked, attacked, ridiculed and dismissed. It boggles my mind. We don't all have to believe the same thing. You cannot FORCE a person to live or believe the way you do, then turn around and get all butt hurt if it happens to you. Hypocrisy is so common, it is almost an art form.

Due to the hysteria of mass media, we now are a very polarized country. Friends....are no longer. Families.....are no longer. Basic human rights are being stripped away, and all of the progress that we made as a Nation has been systematically destroyed. We are going backwards. Not because of one man, not because of one policy, or one decision. Because, we, the people, are more interested in the sensationalism of life, of being mass consumers of junk, of letting go of all humanity and decent thought.....for media bullshit.

I am not a label. I am not a faith. I have a mind of my own, and I want to improve on it's ability to remember, to rationalize, to think, to learn. My name is Penny, not liberal, not Catholic, not Pagan, not food server. Penny. I wish that I could wake up and start the day with the feeling that life is moving forward, but looking all around me, life is moving backwards. What a shame.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Recovery, in more ways than one.

I have been home from work now since Tuesday, August 14th. This Friday, I get word on how I am doing, and if, or when, I can return to work. To say that I am frustrated and irritated, and going stir crazy is an understatement. I feel useless, and guilty that I have missed so much work, and that financially, I am not contributing. It is difficult for me to do most things, especially standing, for over 10 minutes at a time. I feel okay at first, but then I start to sweat, and shake from the pain. My lips quiver, and I feel faint. Being that I have worked for so long, and always have had trouble sitting still...this is torture.

This has not been a good summer. Too many bumps in the road, and I am worn out. I have had situations occur that have left me damaged, and in pain. Pain, emotionally, physically, mentally. I have withdrawn from just about everyone. I have put up this enormous wall, trying to block out all of the world that is ugly. I have been reading quite a lot, and resting like I am supposed to do. I have had a few projects that I want to finish, but I am really having trouble being motivated to do them. This I don't understand. I am disappointed  that my frustration is getting the best of me.

Relationships have been damaged, severely. My birthday this year was the worst I can remember. My birthday has never been great. It is on a holiday, so I always spend the day cooking for everyone else. Those that get "week long" celebrations, and get taken out, and spoiled, I simply cannot relate too. This year, I was excited because I was going to have close family together for the very first time. It did not turn out that way however. Most of those that were in my home, I was not close too. Some I didn't even know. The house felt divided, tense, and uncomfortable. I felt myself, that I was on edge, because the air felt heavy, and I knew something was coming. It did....and I am still not even close to recovering. To throw acid into an open wound, I was deceived, lied too, manipulated and destroyed. I have been struggling for years to get out from dark shadows cast by those that hurt others, but left me with the burden of pay back. I have been struggling with silence to maintain peace, but to no avail. I feel like I have been a huge punching bag for the mistakes of others, that led to my own mistakes, for trying to find the way out of it all...and just go on. To let the pain go, and move on. I guess others refuse to do such, and I will continue to pay the price.

It is very difficult to love people that hate someone you are forever connected to. I am not at fault for who my mother was, and my own mistake of my first marriage led to my beautiful children, who blame me for every single wrong thing that has happened since 1985. The weight of all of this has literally made my shoulders feel so heavy and over whelmed that I can't see any solutions anymore. No one, not one single person has ever asked me why. Why did I accept the treatment of my parents, and just go on. Why did I not fight my ex husband every single second. Why did I chose to be quiet for the sake of not arguing......

Yet, somehow I am the spawn of Satan. Somehow, I am not a good mother. Somehow, putting those I love most before anything, especially myself, has turned me into the enemy and the punching bag.

I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to even approach it. I forgave my Mother, because there is nothing I can do to change any of it, so I chose to forgive and move on. I left the pain behind, and let it go. I can't change the fact that I married a man that was not kind to me, or anyone else, and I can't change the fact that things happened that caused pain to us all. I simply choose to go on, and not think about those years, as much as I can, and live for now. I have learned lessons of appreciation, true love, and that respect of those you love is of utmost importance. Life can change instantly, beyond our control. I don't want to miss out because I was dwelling on things I cannot change. Pain is something that is useless to hold on to. It blocks out the present. I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want to be in so much pain that I miss out on TODAY.

Physically, I am not 100%, but I am working on that. Mentally, I am stronger than ever. Emotionally, I am hurt, and I don't know how to fix that. I don't let it stop me from continuing, however. I can't change others. I can only work on me. Work in progress, with determination.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Never again....celebrations are not for me.

I haven't posted on my blog in sometime. The last time that I did, others took it upon themselves to use it to their advantage, to argue, to despise, to further their agenda. I started writing on here basically for my own therapy. Keeping thoughts and worries bottled up inside leads to an inevitable eruption, and I was determined to avoid this. Others in my life have not learned this valuable lesson however, and so, hence we had the day. The day I felt coming, the day I told my husband that I knew was going to be a disaster, and yep, it happened.

How do you avoid such events? You can't. You just take a deep breath, and hope that it doesn't unravel into the madness you are envisioning in your mind. You can't talk to a person that is in complete denial for so long about their own shortcomings. There is no way to move a brick always needs to be demolished before you can rebuild. Removing it brick by brick with your bare hands never works. It is too strong and determined to stand and defeat you.

I am sick of brick walls.

The complications and issues that have evolved in my life have been challenging to say the least. I have never claimed or tried to be perfect. I make mistakes, and then, try to move on. There is no other choice. It happens. The best you can do is learn from those mistakes, and try not to repeat them. My worst fear my entire life is 1-that I would become my Mother. 2- that my sons would become their father. Anyone who knows me at all understands these fears, and they need no explanation. My biggest mistake, one that hit me like a freight train on the night of my birthday, was that I didn't realize my fear for my sons was not going to materialize in them....but instead in my daughter.

Anger is an evil and destructive force. It serves no purpose except to destroy others, to cause pain, to cause harm, and almost always it is the ones that love you most that wind up in the path of the destruction. There usually is never one single trigger that sets off the storm, nor is an event usually the real reason for it either. It is a build up that waits, sits dormant, builds and builds like a huge hurricane, building speed, momentum, strength, and then hits...and hits with force.

I am at a loss as to what to do, and have been for a long time. I have watched the disaster that is coming build and build, and even though I have tried at times to discuss it, I am met with furious hostility and indescribable disgust. The choice to avoid me, to sit in the same room and continuously type on a cell phone rather than engage in conversation....has been hers. The choice to be sarcastic, condescending, and rude...has been hers. Many times, the laughing, unbeknownst to her, has been heard quite clearly, and I have remained quiet, wanting to keep the peace.

I found a breaking point....and I broke.

Words cut deep. They remain in your mind, no matter how much you try to erase them, they are eternal. To have someone you love so much scream the most hurtful and hateful words at you, with such anger, is something that a person can never recover from. To have my son hurt more than me, and baffled to how it all unraveled and blew up like the nuclear bomb that it was, became almost too much to handle. Am I alright? No...and I won't ever be alright. I have endured enough. Being disrespected has always been acceptable behavior from people I am related too....and I just cannot take it anymore.

Decisions are made that children do not understand when they are little. They aren't supposed to understand. They are children, and are being protected, even though they don't believe it at the time. I could not control the events that unfolded when I chose to get away from the hell that was my first marriage. I would not have survived much longer if I did not. The physical abuse was not the most damaging. The emotional abuse was much worse, and I suffer from it today. I have poor self esteem. I cry sometimes over small things that hurt very deeply, and I am so confused as to why. I never feel that I am good enough for anyone, and I struggle daily. Daily....29 years....I hate it. I try to fight it. I try and I have no way to recover except to keep going. For those few months before I actually separated, I didn't want to keep going. I just wanted to die. I had the entire plan ready, mapped out, knew exactly how I would go through with it.

I hung on....and I realized that it would be the most selfish and hurtful action for my children. To check out is not the answer. They don't know how much I really love them. How choosing to hold on as much as possible just to have them in the same room with material things have never mattered as much as hearing them laugh....

...and how watching my daughter lash out, destroy herself and walk around in utter denial of her demise, is once again, making me feel like I made the wrong choice. She yelled, she screamed, and I heard her clearly. If I had put a bullet in my brain right then , it wouldn't have hurt as much as hearing her tell me she hates me, I am a terrible mother, the screeching in her voice.

The worst birthday of my life. A gift from my daughter. Where is the return desk for that?