~Ready to Vanish~

Gloat-Contemplate or dwell on one's own success or another's misfortune with malignant pleasure:

I am so sick of everyone. The past few months have been challenging, to say the least. Putting all of my physical pain aside, the emotional damage that has been done is almost irreversible.  People I have known almost my entire life have lost their ever loving minds. I have been lied too, when there was absolutely NO FUCKING REASON for the lie. I have been belittled and talked to in such condescending manners by fake people that "oooooooh" and "aaaahhhhh" over silly things, then turn around and GLOAT over their abundance, their excess of stuff....stuff that still hasn't made them happy. I have watched one of my dearest and most cherished friends over come obstacle after obstacle, and when that friend sucked it up, and asked for help.....got LIED to.

What the hell happened to morals? Why is it that everyone thinks they have this gray area in manners, respect and compassion because it is them? Why is it that people that love you are constantly putting in their two cents about how "you should get surgery" or "you should do this, you will look better" or "keep working so you can have more money". Yeah, that last one....fuck me sideways. I did. I kept working, even though I was in horrible pain every single moment. I numbed myself with meds to get through the shift, and now? Now, I am fucked. I will have this pain for the rest of my life....and it is a harsh reality. Money doesn't buy happiness or take away physical damage.

I don't hide anything. Our family has been through the wringer, seven times over. My life has not been perfect, and mistakes have been made. Arguments, harsh words, life changing events, good times, bad times, happiness, etc....all have taken place. I don't brag about any good that happens, because I know how it feels when we are going through a rough spot, and someone else is bragging about something in their life. It is foul, it is insensitive. I don't believe in being fake. It must be exhausting. Living to impress everyone else.

I am officially withdrawing from all of it. I am getting used to the silence and the peace of being isolated. Since I have been hurt, I can count on one hand how many "family and friends" have called to check on me. Priorities are in order, and I am quite comfortable looking at it all and realizing, I made mistakes when it came to letting people in.

Won't happen....ever.....again. Much love and luck to everyone. I sincerely mean that.