I have been home from work now since Tuesday, August 14th. This Friday, I get word on how I am doing, and if, or when, I can return to work. To say that I am frustrated and irritated, and going stir crazy is an understatement. I feel useless, and guilty that I have missed so much work, and that financially, I am not contributing. It is difficult for me to do most things, especially standing, for over 10 minutes at a time. I feel okay at first, but then I start to sweat, and shake from the pain. My lips quiver, and I feel faint. Being that I have worked for so long, and always have had trouble sitting still...this is torture.
This has not been a good summer. Too many bumps in the road, and I am worn out. I have had situations occur that have left me damaged, and in pain. Pain, emotionally, physically, mentally. I have withdrawn from just about everyone. I have put up this enormous wall, trying to block out all of the world that is ugly. I have been reading quite a lot, and resting like I am supposed to do. I have had a few projects that I want to finish, but I am really having trouble being motivated to do them. This I don't understand. I am disappointed that my frustration is getting the best of me.
Relationships have been damaged, severely. My birthday this year was the worst I can remember. My birthday has never been great. It is on a holiday, so I always spend the day cooking for everyone else. Those that get "week long" celebrations, and get taken out, and spoiled, I simply cannot relate too. This year, I was excited because I was going to have close family together for the very first time. It did not turn out that way however. Most of those that were in my home, I was not close too. Some I didn't even know. The house felt divided, tense, and uncomfortable. I felt myself, that I was on edge, because the air felt heavy, and I knew something was coming. It did....and I am still not even close to recovering. To throw acid into an open wound, I was deceived, lied too, manipulated and destroyed. I have been struggling for years to get out from dark shadows cast by those that hurt others, but left me with the burden of pay back. I have been struggling with silence to maintain peace, but to no avail. I feel like I have been a huge punching bag for the mistakes of others, that led to my own mistakes, for trying to find the way out of it all...and just go on. To let the pain go, and move on. I guess others refuse to do such, and I will continue to pay the price.
It is very difficult to love people that hate someone you are forever connected to. I am not at fault for who my mother was, and my own mistake of my first marriage led to my beautiful children, who blame me for every single wrong thing that has happened since 1985. The weight of all of this has literally made my shoulders feel so heavy and over whelmed that I can't see any solutions anymore. No one, not one single person has ever asked me why. Why did I accept the treatment of my parents, and just go on. Why did I not fight my ex husband every single second. Why did I chose to be quiet for the sake of not arguing......
Yet, somehow I am the spawn of Satan. Somehow, I am not a good mother. Somehow, putting those I love most before anything, especially myself, has turned me into the enemy and the punching bag.
I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to even approach it. I forgave my Mother, because there is nothing I can do to change any of it, so I chose to forgive and move on. I left the pain behind, and let it go. I can't change the fact that I married a man that was not kind to me, or anyone else, and I can't change the fact that things happened that caused pain to us all. I simply choose to go on, and not think about those years, as much as I can, and live for now. I have learned lessons of appreciation, true love, and that respect of those you love is of utmost importance. Life can change instantly, beyond our control. I don't want to miss out because I was dwelling on things I cannot change. Pain is something that is useless to hold on to. It blocks out the present. I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want to be in so much pain that I miss out on TODAY.
Physically, I am not 100%, but I am working on that. Mentally, I am stronger than ever. Emotionally, I am hurt, and I don't know how to fix that. I don't let it stop me from continuing, however. I can't change others. I can only work on me. Work in progress, with determination.