I haven't had much spare time lately to write anything, and tonight, I am wide awake. Carl is sleeping and snoring away next to me, and I couldn't fall asleep no matter what, so I read a couple of things online, then I glanced at some posts on my Facebook. One in particular made me think about some things, and I got up and brought in my laptop, and here I am, typing away at 12:30am, while "Zombieland" plays on our TV, for about the 20th time. Yeah, we like this movie...a lot.
I am sincerely hoping for honest responses to this, because it is something that is very personal to me, being that it has actually happened to me. It is also something that has occurred in Carl's life, and affects him quite profoundly, and I really struggle with why, and how it can possibly continue when it must surely be very well known that it is morally wrong, and hurtful to do.
How is it that a parent can so easily, so passively, so calmly, turn their back on their own child, for such a simple, or stupid reason, and never look back? How can a parent deny their own child because of an argument? How can a parent or grandparent deny the existence of a child or grandchild because they are worried about what the neighbors might think, or because their church forced and adoption? I am just amazed at some of the stories I have heard, because I know others that have gone through problems with this. It happens entirely too much, and I see and I hear of families being torn apart over the most ridiculous things, yet other find ways to stick together through addictions, and murder, and abuse, and horrific conditions. ???
In my case, it has been very confusing, yet not so surprising, all at the same time. My parents were very dysfunctional as parents, and as man and wife. The physical and mental abuse was enough to cause damage beyond repair. There had been such damage in my fathers past from his parents, so I don't really think he ever knew how to really show emotion, or how to be a father. He never talked to me, he never showed concern, or emotion, or really did anything except go to work, come home, sit in his chair, and watch TV. Then of course, he was the one to discipline us, so he played that role. When I got married, and wound up in a very abusive situation, my parents pretty much reacted completely opposite to what most parents would. They did nothing. My mother told me to stay. My father did absolutely nothing to protect me. There were no "I will kill him if he ever hits my daughter again!!". No...not for me. No, when I got divorced, I was told, I was dead to them. I was pronounced dead. Yay....
Carl became a father when he was a teenager, and was pretty shocked, since he learned of this on the day that Claire was born. He was informed that he would be signing adoption papers, and that was that. She was placed with a family, and Carl, being a minor himself, really had no say in the matter. Over the years, he has had contact with her through letters, and pictures. All of this time, Carl has never hidden the fact that he is a father. He carries her picture in his wallet. Her picture is on our living room wall. His family, however, acts like they have no idea of her existence. When he tried, as a teen, to speak to his Grandfather about Claire, his Grandfather told him to NEVER tell his Grandmother. Carl was broken hearted. When Carl's mother came to visit us, she saw Claire's picture on our wall, and didn't say one single word. She simply acted like she had no idea who it was. Carl has explained to me that this is part of their faith. Again, I don't get it. My brother and his wife have acted in this manner as well. They get angry with someone, cut them off. Get mad at me...I am dead. It's okay. I am not a person. I am nobody. I am not someone who attends their church, so I don't matter. Most religions condemn Judas for denying Christ, but yet they can go around and deny or disrespect their own family members? How is this alright? Sounds like good old hypocrisy to me.
Is this kind of behavior even necessary? It causes so much pain and agony. It causes resentment, and anger, and anguish. Suicide, addiction, depression...all of these can result from such things. Why would family treat you this way? I have been treated in a kinder manner by total strangers than I have by my own parents. Do you have any idea what that does to a person? Do you have any idea how a person suffers when they know that their parents, their mother, their father, looks on them with such discontent? Such hate? To be denied, to be thrown away like that...it is something that burns you every single day of your life. It is a hurt that you never can recover from. No amount of therapy, or hugs, or "it's going to be okay", can ever make it better. You always wonder "what in the hell did I ever do to you?"
How can these people walk around and look themselves in the mirror? How can any of them believe in their hearts that they have been good people, good parents? To be such a selfish, cruel and insensitive ass....to inflict that kind of pain on your own family....really? For what purpose?
2 comments:
OH my word Penny. I wish I had a logical answer to all your questions. The thing is, there IS no logical answer to why a parent would act in such a way towards their child. The same question has been bothering me for some time because of the issues I have told you regarding my mother and HER parents. It just doesn't make sense.
After hearing what my mother, you and Carl, as well as some other close friends have gone through with their parents/family- I consider myself extremely lucky. I had always thought it was a given that all parents are supportive, loving and unconditional but in my more recent years- I've come to realize that I was/am one of the lucky ones.
The only reason that I think could put things in some sort of perspective is that parents who never truly take on the role of what a parent should be either didn't have any of their own when they were children themselves to have as an example or -even worse- apart from having parent who were simply "not there" in any way, they were traumatized and/or abused by them as well.
Sadly, children that grow up with such parents more often than not grow up to be the same type of parents themselves, so the vicious cycle just keeps getting repeated. *Luckily*, there are exceptions, like you, Carl and my mother who despite all the abuse and heartache, knew how to become good parents and overall good people in society.
Carls case really leaves me puzzled as well. Because it seems with him, all the issues he's had with his family are all because of the religion they believe in. How on earth does that even make sense!? Religion is SUPPOSED to be about becoming a better person, loving yourself, your family and your neighbors. How the FUCK did all that get translated into "if you pretend it's not there it doesn't exist" and " your own flesh and blood isn't worthy if they don't believe the same thing you do", is beyond me.
Personally, I believe that Religion itself isn't the problem. It's how the people intepret it that has some very dangerous side effects.
Religion in its most bluntest of defniitions, gives people a blind hope. A hope that something better is awaiting them. That if they follow certain rules and guidlelines, their conscience is free and they will be "saved".
Luckily, some people may be religious but consider their faith a private matter between them and the God they believe in. Or, others might be religious but have the common sense not to expect everyone else to believe in the same thing and that even if a family member chose not to believe anymore (or believe in something else), they realize that their God will love those family memebers just the same. Because God is all about LOVE.
Sadly, this percentage of those people is a low one. Many relgious folk become so blinded and brainwashed by what they believe in and the plain and simply fear that the preachers, priests, rabbis, etc., inject them with as often as possible overpowers all common sense that they simply forget the most simplest of things: to love the ones that matter. Unconditionally.
I could go on forever, it's a topic that truly saddens me. All I know is that I am so thankful that despite it all, you and Carl have each other and that you both turned out such fantastic people.
Ah, Mimi...I love you. I posted one of my favorite quotes on my facebook recently that somewhat goes along with this subject. The quote is "If love is not enough then God does not understand the concept, much less could he have invented it." The response to it sort of proved my point as well. Lol. I got the quote from my Aunt, who has been through as much crap as I have, so of course, she gets it. Some, just don't understand what it means. Some, think its only about God. NO. Read what it says....it is baffling to me how blind people can be. Turning your back on your children for any reason is wrong...but especially for faith or religion is pure insanity. Religion was invented by men. Some man developed that. Some"guy" decided one day that he wanted to be more important than he really was...some guy wanted to legally "cheat" and have muliple women, some wanted power....this is the true meaning behind religions. God doesn't need money or churches, nor would he ever tell people to deny their kids for any reason. So....insane people do insane things, and weak people who have addictions make stupid choices. Like church over their children or family. My two cents. ;-). Kinda wish we were in Athens too...cause this country is getting worse and worse. Just full of stupidity and predjudice, even though none of them will admit it.
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