So, I always feel that I am pretty honest, sometimes to the point of being brutal. I don't mean to be. I just simply feel that it's better to know exactly what I mean, with no confusion. People tend to tip toe around issues, and leave too much to the side. Later, feelings come up out of no where, and an explosion occurs, and one person is sitting there going, "what the hell just happened?". It was that thing that was left out two months ago. Yeah, that's why I don't do it anymore.
Recently, a few people that I know have passed away. This always is a very difficult time for anyone, but this brought up many emotions in me. I have had this continuous pain that is on my nerves, because no one seems to be able to give me a clear answer as to why I have the pain, and then when I recently saw a specialist, the answer that he did give me....well, I reject that answer. I don't care to have Fibromialgia, as I don't care to be in continuous pain for the rest of my life thank you. I already have severe Migraines, and that is enough. Two of the people that I know that passed, both had severe headaches as well. This brought about my concerns. One, had a stroke, and on the same day, had to be placed on life support. My son is a close friend of her son. He has been to Wednesday dinner. His name is Craig. Craig's mom specified in her will that under no circumstances was she to be placed on life support. On Mothers Day, they made her as comfortable as possible...and let her go.
Last week, a colleague of ours at work lost his wife to her battle with Cancer. She too, started with headaches. I remember having conversations with him last summer about how to help her deal with the pain, and how they were treating the lump in my back, as they had discovered the lump in her neck at the same time. She passed the other day as well, leaving behind a young daughter for him to now raise alone.
I think of things when this happens. I think of how I would not want for my family to suffer. I deal with my grief internally, because I don't like to burden. Most of my friends have no idea when I am hurting, because I don't tell them. I spend hours listening to them, but they don't know that I am hurting too. Sometimes, I want to scream and scream, because I hold too much in, but I can't help it. I know I need to talk too, but it seems lately, I am surrounded by people who are wearing blinders...and can see nothing but their own path.
I try very hard to put life into perspective, and to be grateful. Some say, "well, I have lost, and YOU have no idea how that feels." Fuck you. You have no idea what I have been through. You have no idea what I have lost, or had taken, or whatever. You have no right to assume that your life is in anyway, in any comparative, a greater tragedy than any other. Loss, is horrific. Loss, is painful, and tragic. The strength and the courage to overcome loss, is to continue, to overcome, to take the loss, and not let it take over your life. Only a coward does that. I would NEVER want my children, or my husband, to take the loss of me, and let it ruin their lives. I would NEVER, want them to eternally suffer, and pine for me. How utterly pathetic and selfish.
I guess what I am trying to say is this.....
I have been terrified in my last few doctor visits that I would receive horrific news. I have lumps, and I don't want them to be "bad" lumps. If something comes about, I am posting this publicly, so it is VERY, VERY CLEAR. There WILL be a huge fucking party. None of this damn, pathetic sobbing shit. That is NOT me, and dammit, I refuse to have it. I want whatever arrangements help make my family feel at ease. If they are comforted by me being cremated, and carrying me around...so be it. If they want me in a casket...so be it. I'm dead...what do I care? Now, this is a little hypocritical, but yeah, I would prefer to be laid in the casket on my side...cause that's how I sleep. Laying me on my back is just stupid. It's fake, and I'm not fake. And don't dress me all up either. Where am I going? Put me in something comfy dammit. I want certain music, and the list will be in my jewelery box. I want a traditional Irish Wake. Everyone get good and hammered. Lot's of laughing, lot's of fun, food, and music that my kids heard growing up, or at least all the movies we love playing on the TV.
There's more...but anyway...appreciate life. Every single day is a gift. If you think that you can buy your happiness, you have already lost. If you are searching for love in a $$$, you are behind the eight ball, and no win in sight. If you think that lying, cheating, and stealing will get you ahead, kiss my ass, cause it won't. You may think that the popular people are cool, but they suck. You may think that you have so many friends, but you don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. You may think, but you haven't got a clue, because you don't know what the hell you are doing.
Senario: It's tomorrow, and you are okay, your loved ones are okay....but everything is gone. Gone.....all you have is the clothes on your back. No car, no cell phone, no computer, no "electronic toys", nothing. Just each other. Is this your version of hell. Could you survive? Would you be grateful? Could you start over? Think about that next time you complain....next time you whine....next time you unappreciative of your life.