Two Cent's in your Mail

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's raining

...in more ways than one.

How peculiar. It has been pouring for days now, outside, and for months now inside my brain. This overwhelming feeling of anxiety and worry has begun to consume me. Not to say that I have not been happy, or excited, because there have been wonderful moments as well. There has just been this lurking, nagging thing back there...waiting. I don't know what it is, but its there, and it is quietly falling now, just like the rain is at this very moment.

Sometimes, I have these thoughts, and these fears, that things are going to change, and that something isn't quite right, and I hate when I get like that. Someone will tell me to knock it off, or say not to be paranoid. I often feel like maybe I have something inside of me, like another sense, or ability to tell when change is coming. I have had dreams that have made me sit up in the middle of the night, and I feel a sense of worry. I will not understand it at that moment, but later, the familiar sense of, "oh, that's what it meant" kicks in. I try to talk myself out of certain worries, because I know I can cause unnecessary panic, or stress, but the cloud just doesn't leave until the rain falls, because the weight of it is just too heavy.

I really think that this year, is a year of drastic change. It seems that the previous months and constant problems are all just leading into this big set up for a good cleansing. Some things, and people for that matter, just really needed to go away. It was all feeling fake, false, pretending to be something that just wasn't. I couldn't do it anymore. Trying to please everyone was just a pain in the ass. No one was going around trying to return the favor. I have always had this feeling that being selfish was such a horrible trait, yet it seems to work remarkably well for so many. Just seems like less work.

Bottom line, I have tried really hard to be a good person, and to do the right thing. People have really, and truly let me down lately, and been so damn hurtful and cruel, and it has resulted in me having almost uncontrollable anger and resentment, and I really don't care to be that kind of person. I am pissed off entirely too much because I am sick of everyone's bullshit. I really just need to learn to not care, just as they do. It can't be that hard, since so many are so good at it. Gonna give it a shot.

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