~Don't hold back and always know...All the answers you will unfold~

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

Dawna Markova

So much is going on lately. Muddled thoughts, confusion, and entirely too much stress. It seems that I am on a never ending path of frustration and tension, and my options are slim. This makes things even more annoying. Trying to improve your situation is not easy, when the decisions you make will affect not only you, but the one you love as well. I HATE my job, and when I say hate, I don't mean that I am just in a rut, I mean I truly hate working in that Cafe'. 

The best aspect of working on the Las Vegas Strip is that you get to meet people from all over the world. Two weeks ago, I actually had a group of people in my section, and one of the men asked me if I had lived in Vegas my entire life. After about 10 minutes of explaining how I came to live in England, and where, it became apparent that this is indeed a very small world. The man, Mr. Damon, had also lived in England, had also lived at the very same Air Force Base that my family and I lived on, and to make things even more fascinating, had actually worked with my father in the very same shop, repairing and working on the F-111 planes on the base. Things like this make the job great....

This past week, the oh so bitter and pissed off at the entire world, Mrs. Gundy, and her obviously hen pecked husband came in for breakfast. She was not only mean, but her face was beet red, worn from years of straining and wrenching her teeth apparently, and the abuse ensued. Mrs. Gundy did not speak to me when I greeted them, nor did she speak when I was taking the order. Her husband did all the talking while she read her paper, sucked her teeth in disgust, and made sighing noises like the entire world was on her last nerve. Wonderful way to start my morning, and I did everything possible to hurry up their order, and get it out to them, so I could get HER the hell out of there. No such luck, however. This Bitter Betty ordered the french toast. I brought out the food, went to the next table to drop off two glasses of water, and not two seconds passed and up goes this bitch's hand, waving, flagging me back over, with obvious disgust and disdain. "This is COLD, and is NOT thick as the menu says, it appears to be measly, pathetic white bread, and the syrup is cheap, and I refuse to eat such garbage. I want it out of my sight, and I also want it REMOVED from your menu." She was picking at it with her fork while she ranted, and then she shoved the plate away from her. When I began to say "I am sorry...." and reached to remove the plate she snapped at me, "Don't come near me!". I stood there with this look on my face, like, "seriously? What in the HELL is your problem?". Her whiny husband actually smiled, and said, "Please remove this". It was creepy, scary, and pissed me off. I felt like saying, "OH, your majesty, we did not know you would be gracing us with your presence this morning, and used the "measly, pathetic white bread" instead of your glorious BETTER? bread of choice". What the hell? First of all, it's Brioche Bread, which I am sure, from her elastic head band, and cat hair covered clothes give away, she has never heard of, let alone actually consumed. Yes, I get to be rude now....she started it. Who the hell does she think that she is, or who does she think she is talking to? All she is doing is going around pissing people off, and it's not going to get her any results. Try using some manners, please, thank you's, maybe actually fucking smile.....

What happened? How did the world come to this...being so arrogant, self centered, and just plain MEAN? It's everywhere. You can't go to the store, or the movies, or even drive without something happening it seems. I was driving home on the freeway a few months ago, and a car cut me off. The young driver then slammed on the brakes in front of me, switched lanes about three or four times, was behind me, then in front of me, then beside me...insanity. I got so damn frustrated, I honked my horn the third time he swerved in front of me, and he then slammed on his brakes again, pulled back along side me, and when I looked over, he was pointing a gun at me, laughing....yeah. 

I know that the world is harsh, and that people have it much worse, but it does seem like, lately, everything has gone to hell. This can't be what the rest of my life will be. I feel like there is something inside of me that I am supposed to nurture, and improve, and then flourish with, and that is what I am meant to do. This struggling from month to month, is just not what I want to be. 

I think that possibilities are always out there, that a person should never stop learning, never stop reaching. I know that helping myself in turn will help another. No one should feel that they are alone, and that their life has no affect on those around them. It absolutely does, and for that reason, everyone should always continue to strive for the dreams that they have, the goals that they set. Never give up, never give in. Even in times of hopelessness, finding your inner strength, finding that stubborn cell, to help you keep going, will inspire another by you to do the same. I have seen it happen. I have had it happen to me, to see someone that I love keep on, keep trying, keep reaching, and making me feel like, "yeah, I can hang on here....I can do it too." 

Some of us have no definition. Some of us, have no clear path, and take more time to find exactly what it is that will spark our creative instincts, our goals to suddenly jump up and take action. It may not be a clear pattern, or a plan that we expect, but that is alright. Life is here to live, to enjoy, to take in and experience. To spend it being angry, or scared, or to be to afraid to reach out for what you really want is just sinful. 

The lyrics say it all....

Forging ahead, and going to keep searching. Slinging to the Botox Zombies is not the way for me...there has to be something better, something more.