~Sensing and Realization~

The past few months have taken more than a toll on me. I feel as if they have taken the breath out of my lungs, held them in front of my face, and squeezed until the knuckles went white with such strength...and then nothing.

I have cried, I have anguished. I have lost countless, endless hours of sleep. I am in constant pain, and by this I mean true physical pain. All of my muscles feel as if they are rubber bands pulled to their very greatest extent, just before they are going to break. It's like one on going charlie horse that never stops. I hobble when I walk, I can't really sit in one position for too long, and work is slowly but surely killing me, hour by hour, day by day.

I am coming to such a serious crossroads that I feel that maybe I should describe it as more of a cross cliff. Not so much, which "road should I choose", but "which enormous cliff shall I jump off". The choices before me seem that serious, with consequences that have weighed on me so heavily I don't quite know how to function. I know there are people out there with problems of their own, so I don't really even have anyone that I can talk to, or turn to, to help me through it all. I feel as if I would be whining, or complaining, and they would look at me as if to say, "knock it off, get up off your ass and just do it". But you see, it's not that simple.

There comes a time in everyone's life when a simple moment, or a choice, or an event was such a pivotal turning point that it brought about changes that put into affect life changing events. For me, I know that this pivotal moment will be when I set into motion the domino's that will all start to fall when I push the very....first....one...with ...one....simple....action.....of....strength.

I choose now to say it will be an action of strength, but I am terrified. This strength will be of my will to move forward to fight for the fairness that I deserve, and in a very small way, have never received most of my life. It seems that for reasons unknown, it has always been "acceptable" behavior to be disrespectful to me,  to lie to me, to treat Penny as though she is less of a person than others. I remember having this feeling from a very young age. That I was not as important as other people. That, for reasons unknown, I was not supposed to grow up to do, or to be, anyone of value, or importance. I was just an annoyance, a problem, a huge bag of garbage that needed to be thrown out. Yes, this is truly how I have felt most of my life. This is not a paragraph to draw pity, so don't for one fucking moment think that. I write what comes from my brain to the keys, ask I think it....no censors, so I mean all of this. Years of fighting, trying my very best to stay strong, to stay positive for my own sanity, have led me to be who I am this very moment. I have not had an easy life. People have lied to me, stolen from me, beaten me, and betrayed me. All that have done the very worst to me, have the very same blood that I have running through my vein's....just try to process that for a moment. I 'll wait.....

Now, I need to fight again, and maybe put into effect, the events that will affect not only me, but Carl as well. This is not a simple choice for me to make. People around me, who I love dearly, choose to be deceitful, rather than honest with me, for reasons that I do not understand. The hardest, most horrible thing for me to conceive,  the biggest pill for me still to swallow, is that still, to this very day, my loved ones must hurt me, and lie....after all that has happened. I am still nothing.

I look into a mirror, and I try, I try so hard to see strength, and love, and courage. I try to see perseverance, and conviction, and I try to convince myself that the reflection is worthy of all this trial and error. Worthy of all of this continuous effort, trudging along, fighting for the right. Fighting for the equality, the integrity, the honor. Those that I love simply refuse to love me the way that I deserve.....and now I must break a promise that I made.

I am a very strong, caring, loving and dedicated wife and mother. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, and I do not betray trust. I firmly believe in love and allowing everyone to live their lives freely, the way that they choose. I carry no prejudice against race, religion, or sexual orientation. I do not believe in heaven or hell. For me, God, is with in, the soul of each of us, and how you carry yourself on this earth. Your empathy, your honor, respect and dignity of the human race is holy, and should be respected and never disgraced. The true value of life is sacred, and should be appreciated, every single day, never taken for granted. Every life, human, animal, all....they all are equal. My wish is to make my children proud, to help them reach their potential to be happy, healthy, and content in this life, to accomplish the same with Carl, and to live out my remaining years beside him, to travel this world, to see as much as we can. To take it all in, to breath in the air, to play with the pups, to write, to be better at writing, to love, to laugh, and not to regret.

...and never to give up fighting.